Below is a transcript of the episode as generated by Otter.ai. (*please note, this transcript has only been edited to put in line breaks for easier readability and may contain errors where a word or phrase got lost in transcription.)
[0:13] Introduction: Self-Care During the Holiday Season
Aloha and welcome to Your Heart magic and illuminating space where psychology spirituality and heart wisdom meet. Here's your host, Dr. BethAnne Kapansky. Wright, the clinical psychologist with a mystic mind.
Aloha, everybody. Welcome to Your Heart magic. This is Dr. BethAnne Kapansky Wright, and today we are talking about self care during the holidays. This episode is actually coming out on the evening of thanksgiving for those who celebrate that. And since we are moving into the end of November, beginning of December, I thought that it might be nice to take a moment and focus this episode on how do we take care of ourselves during this time of year. And acknowledging that this is a time of year that can bring up a lot of things for a lot of people.
And that can range from feeling really joyful and festive and celebrative. To wanting to feel those things and maybe struggling if you're not feeling those things. And you wonder like what's wrong with you that you're feeling crunches or Scrooges, or something like that to being a time where some people really struggle, and they struggle with their mental well being struggle with feelings of grief or loneliness, struggle with depression for places in the northern hemisphere, at least, it is winter time. And seasonal affective disorder is a very real thing this time of year, and feeling depressed in December and the lack of light can certainly affect people.
So there's a multitude of reasons why I think the holidays can be so wonderful, and also so challenging. And I thought it would be helpful to talk about how do we take good care of ourselves during the next five, six weeks, no matter where we find ourselves. And if you are in a wonderful place right now, then self care might not feel you might already be in a good place doing that. And you are just really excited for all the awesome stuff coming up. But if you're in a neutral to not so good place right now, hopefully there'll be some ideas in here that helps support your journey at this time.
So I wanted to look a little bit at why this time of year can be somewhat challenging for some people. And we talked about that. I mentioned a few things at the beginning of the episode that I want to expound on some. And I think that the holidays can be hard because they are a time where in our best version of self, most of ourselves would love to enjoy them. We would like to feel really carefree. Sometimes there is a sense of magic and childlike wonder that can come with this time of year. I think in the Judeo Christian tradition, for those who celebrate Christmas, or even winter solstice or any holidays around that time, there can often be a lot of gift giving.
And there's a lot of fun things having to do with different mythos and lores. And things from Santa Claus to else to other stuff. I remember this is like seven years ago now we were delayed in Iceland for December 23. And there I don't know a lot about the culture there. So I cannot speak to this with lots of knowledge except to say like, we dropped into their celebration with the hotel that our airport put us up at. And it was meathook day, which is some like elf or they have like 13 elves or something like that. I think like and I don't know that that's what it's called.
So somebody who's Icelandic could probably correct me on that. But you know, this was a new culture to me and I didn't know anything of it. And we got like this fun deck of playing cards and there was all these decorations that had their like mythological characters that are sacred and fun and special to them. And so there was this big feast at the hotel and the story around this elf or GNOME or whatever it was that was associated with that day that he would like come down the chimney and like hook the meat that was roasting there back in like the old days. and steal it. That's why it was called Meet hook day.
That sounds like something out of a horror movie. But it was really like playful and fun from what we understood of it. And it was so fun to get to have this little bird's eye view into some other, you know, some other culture that I wasn't accustomed to. And it really gave me a sense again of that like childlike joy and wonder and how much stories and mythology and magical characters and all of that can be part of this time of year for so many.
[5:34] Common Emotional During Challenges During the Holiday Season
And so I think we'd like to feel joyful. I think we'd like to feel celebratory, we'd like to feel surrounded with loved ones, and magic and the good things in life, we'd like to feel part of gatherings. And sometimes we are part of those things, and our mood doesn't support us and feeling connected, and being able to enjoy it. And sometimes we might be in circumstances where we are away from loved ones, or have had a major loss, and don't have those that we would want to spend time with who are physically here with us. Loneliness, and feelings of sadness can also be a really real thing.
So I think that one of the things that often happens this time of year is there's this expectation attached to how we should feel, and what we should be doing. And sometimes where we're at does not meet that expectation. And a lot of times and an individual that can lead to a feeling of failure or feeling like they're outside of things, or they don't quite fit in, or they're not part of things, there is a lot of self talk and stories that we often tell ourselves about, like how we should be feeling and how our life should look. And a lot of times those things might not be true, and so the reality might not match up. And then we feel that somehow we've like failed at life, or we're disappointment or something like that.
And that is hard on us mentally, it's hard on us emotionally. So I also think that for some people family is a very difficult concept. And the best of it is maybe you have a huge gathering, and there's family members you haven't seen in a long time. And perhaps they are sort of vaguely make you roll your eyes and be like, Oh my gosh, I'm so glad I only see this person every now and then. But some people are estranged from their families. Some people have like very hard relationships with families or have had something where they've had loss and, and family, sometimes family and the whole concept around that is a lot to unpack for a person. And there can be triggers there and wounds there and all sorts of stuff associated with that.
So that can be a really hard concept. It might be difficult if you are in a position where for some reason you are not connected to family, and everybody says, Oh, what are you doing for this day, and you don't feel like you have a place to go and don't want to somehow admit that or feel like it's a reflection on you. Because of that. I mean, there's so many reasons. And I give these multiple examples, because there's no right or wrong for who we are, or where we are or where we should be in life. If you listen to the your magic heart or your heart magic podcast, you know that like all are welcome here. And I feel like we are all doing what we came to do on this human journey.
We are the souls embodying our human existence. And we're all figuring it out as we go. We are all a work in art, and an artistic piece and progress. And we are all finding the answers to our questions itself through simply living them. And so from that perspective, there's no right or wrong on the journey we are where we are. And it's beautiful and wonderful. And it's all good. But a lot of times if where we are at and a season in our life intersects with an external season, especially one that might be superimposed on us by societal norms and cultural traditions, things can get really out of rhythm. And we can feel a really big sense of dissonance with that, and that can be hard on us and hard on our emotional well being.
So there's a lot of reasons for that. And I also think this is a time of year that for some individuals can mark it's March the passage of time. As we get closer to the end of December, we get closer to turning the Gregorian calendar into a new year. And I think that if we've had a great year and we're looking forward to the next year that's is a nice feeling. But what if we didn't accomplish what we wanted to and there's sort of this ho hum another year gone by, and I'm still stuck in this, or I haven't made the progress I've wanted to make make or some sort of self talk around that. So there's a lot of layers, when you really began to break it down.
[10:21] Giving Yourself Permission to Do YOU
And most likely, it's a mixture of many of these things for different people. We are multi dimensional beings, and our experience itself is multi dimensional. We're never like just happy or completely immersed in grief. Occasionally, we might have something going on that overrides our other emotions, and takes priority, but many of us are this algum ation of all sorts of shades and tones and feelings that we access moment to moment, as we go along, and our daily stream of consciousness.
So most likely, there might be some good things coming up for you. And there might be some hard things. And we want to take good care of ourselves through all of them. Because we want to make sure that on this journey, we are investing in taking care of our mental health and our well being and our emotional health and our spiritual self and trying to keep our own wells filled up.
Because when we do that, we are so much better able to be a light and to shine bright for others. And when we talk about living our purpose, and living with authenticity, and living with intention, we don't do that as well, when we neglect our relationship with herself. And after a while, we feel like a caricature of self for somebody who's just dialing it in, or doing things by rote, because we don't feel filled up with something that feels nourishing and substantial.
So we want to take good care of ourselves. And the first thing that I wanted to say today during this upcoming season is just to give yourself permission to do you always. And I think that I love the concept. If something doesn't work for us, then redefine it in a way that makes it work for us. I've operated off of this mentality for a while now that if a concept or a word, or something doesn't fit with my heart wisdom, my understanding of who and what I'm about and life, then why not play with it, and redefine it and recreate it in a way that does work for me.
So if you are feeling fenced and by a tradition, or by how something is supposed to be, or by how something is supposed to look, maybe you want to redefine what it's about for you, if you don't like December, for some reason, or December feels like oh my gosh, my head already feels filled with all the busyness that's gonna go on, you know, for highly sensitive people and energy sensitives and empaths
For intuitive introverts. Sometimes this month feels like a merry go round, I kind of cringe at too many things going on. And I love the idea of getting an invitation. And yet I struggle with follow through because I can get people out so easily and need my alone time. So maybe you decide to reinvent what the season is about for you. Maybe you make up your own holiday,
maybe you set an intention for the month ahead. And you say this is just going to be about being kind or about being peaceful. Maybe you find a word or a energy or a quality that you're working on right now. Maybe you really connect with nature and solstice and the idea of the natural world and do a lot of mindfulness and celebration around that. Maybe you just decide to say I am going to be like really open and I'm going to be a little bit non committal. And if I feel like going, I'm gonna go and if not, I'm gonna give myself permission to just do me.
So I think that there's this idea that we always want to be mindful of expectations, expectations imposed on us by other people, expectations imposed on us by ourself. And sometimes we're able to meet those expectations and that feels really in alignment with where we're at. And sometimes I think we want to shake those expectations up and say I'm just going to do things in a different way because I need to and I need it to look differently. And I want it to be something a little bit out of the box because I need that for something in my process.
[15:07] The Year of the Pink Christmas Tree
I'm remembering one year, this is Christmas of 2011. And I was divorced at the time, like six months or something like that I had been officially divorced earlier that summer. And I remember really having a interesting kind of reaction to the holiday season. And really thinking about how different my life was a year ago, because at that time, I was still married and had not begun this process of going through divorce the year 2011 was such a year of things just being shook up for me. And I've talked on the podcast about that being a year of a breaking yourself and my spiritual awakening, and many, many things happened that were necessary for my growth as a person. And yet, I was like, You couldn't pay me to repeat them. It was a tough year.
But I remember thinking about really kind of feeling sad, that a lot of my decorations and things that represented tradition and had memories attached to me that they were one in storage. And two, I really wasn't interested in pulling those things out. They had all these memories attached of my previous life and where I'd been in life, and those things no longer held true for me. And I was on this journey, at the time of really trying to find myself as a single woman, I was trying to figure out my spirituality, I was learning a lot about intuition and creativity, about living according to my heart, I was really learning how to create my own mold, and not stay in this idea of who people thought I was, but to really allow myself to live out loud in a more authentic way.
And that was so much of what my journey was about at that time was being a more expressive, colorful, free spirited individual who was learning to give myself permission to do me and Boulder ways. And I remember having this moment where I was like, Okay, you could put like, no deck decorations up. And that might feel kind of sad. Because I do have a very childlike part of myself that if there's a reason to, like, have something festive or celebratory, I mean, I can get excited if it's like, a Tuesday, and I'm like, ooh, like, Let's do, I don't know, a pizza party tonight, and decide to do like a marathon with, you know, some movie that's beloved, in our household that we haven't seen in a while, like, I'm excited about that.
Like, I get excited, like, it's a special occasion. So it doesn't take a lot with me. And I remember having this moment where I just thought, you know, that would be kind of sad not to put anything up. But I don't want to pull out the stuff that has all these old memories attached to my old life attached. Like it's too soon, the wound is still healing, there's still too much there. So I went to Michael's arts and crafts and Anchorage, Alaska at the time and ended up buying all this like pink and neon, and like rainbow colored decorations.
And I was living in the bottom of a townhouse at the time, somebody else's I was just renting the space of these two little bedrooms in this little bathroom, and I had access to the kitchenette upstairs and you know, half the garage, I called them my rainbow rooms. And I remember like decking it out with rainbow tensile and little white lights and my little pink Charlie Brown tree with the neon little ornaments and all of that and calling it a pink Christmas. And I'm deciding that one of the things that I had at that point in my life was I had some time on my hands, you know, I wasn't in a relationship. And I really had time to invest in friendships.
So I went out and I did all this Christmas shopping and, you know, gift shopping for people and wrapped it and magazine pages and colorful yarn and stuff like that to kind of carry on with my colorful Christmas theme. And there was sadness that year. For sure. You know, I couldn't not remember some of the stuff that was coming up for me around where I'd been at the year before and reflecting on how my life had changed and there was some loneliness there. And certainly questions about what will my future hold and but there was also this joy and kind of this insistence on I will create what good i can and i will just work with what I have to work with. And what I had to work with was being really creative and holding space for all aspects of self and all my feeling states and states.
[20:00] Make Space for All Feelings & Aspects of Self
And I guess another important component of self care is making space for all feelings and aspects of self this season, especially if you find yourself feeling very little bit of both. A little bit of this is joyful. And at the same time, I feel like I need to go cry and let some stuff out. And I've got sadness there. I think that this is a you know, this is definitely like self care for life. But we're making it season specific, that it is a good time to really remember that all aspects of our self are valid.
And part of learning to work with our emotions and learning to be in wholeness with ourselves is to acknowledge whatever's coming up, and then make some decisions around what do we want to do with it. If you are feeling really sad this season, and you have some grief and things that you're working through, you might want to create some things where you have extra space to honor that, whether you create a new ritual, or maybe you just take a lot of space and decide to skip some stuff, and don't want to do it, you just want some downtime and space for yourself, there might be something really specific that you choose to do for self care for you.
And there might be something nonspecific that you just give yourself extra receptivity time just to kind of be with your feelings. And wherever you're at. It's all good. It doesn't matter what you do. It's more about you doing you and you figuring out what do I need right now to honor this experience itself. And sometimes we'll feel some things that come up, and we'll maybe challenge them. That example that I gave, I remember being in a place where I definitely had sadness around my divorce. And I was still working through grief, and really working through grief over how much my life had changed, and really going through the shift in identity.
But I also was able to push back against that a little bit and say, I don't want that to define, like this memory. I don't want to look back and remember that this was just like my sad first Christmas, you know, post divorce.
And I didn't I look back now and I'm like, Oh, 2011 That was my pink Christmas. You know, that was the year I mean, I have pictures from it. But it's really sealed in my memory right now. So well, I just insisted that I was going to find a new way to celebrate and really make those traditions by the way, I no longer have the little pink tree a little bit sad about that. I don't think it survived one of my moves a while back out of whenever I was moving from that phase in my life. But I do have some of those ornaments.
And so they have traveled with me from 2011 Like throughout the last however many years and have somehow journey now to kawaii and I have some of those old ones that I have from like way back when. And it's really funny. They're kind of getting faded. And because the sun is so bright here, some of those have like really faded just in the time. I've been in kawaii, but I hang on to them because they make me smile. Now when I look at them, and I'm like, Oh, my pink Christmas. You know, it's a beautiful memory.
And even though there is some sadness there at the same time, there's so much beauty as well. I thought I would read something from passage that I wrote in my book transformations of the sun, and it's called Christmas lights. And just a little caveat here, this is not a Christmas specific episode. This just happens to be a holiday that in my household I was raised celebrating but not everybody listening to this celebrates Christmas, that's fine. Many people have their own faith traditions. I'm a big Solstice celebrator too. I love winter solstice.
So I just want to acknowledge that this is based on my experiences. And there's a limitation to that. But I hope that some of the principles that I'm sharing apply to any of us even if we celebrate something different this time of year.
[24:12] Christmas Lights: A Passage from Transformations of The Sun
So I wrote this in 2018. And at the time my brother had been gone a year and a half. I want to say almost two years it would have I guess it would be Christmas of 2017. Actually, I was we were going into 2018. So it had been almost two years. And I am just going to read what I wrote to you because I think that's going to help drop you into what I was feeling at the time and illustrate this idea of making space for all aspects of self.
Christmas lights.
The sun is rising farther to the east these days. The light is gentler in the season. December's come to the island and things feel quieter. I find myself falling into a rhythm and we're tea that is simple and subdued. I spend a lot of time working on my art punctuated by trips to the ocean trips to the trails, and lots of thoughtful walks outside to observe the beautiful interplay and light shifts, and the soft dusks and Don's this time of year, it's a contemplative space and it suits me.
So many thoughts and feelings are flying across my radar, the continued questions of myself and my soul path. spurts of creative energy mixed with a deep sense of heaviness and fatigue, a childlike sense of excitement and wonder for the holiday season. A deeper awareness of the grief that has come with the holiday season. I know grief isn't a linear process, and that it can catch you off guard with that sudden presence and intensity. But even I am surprised by how much and how deep I am feeling.
There are now soft, bittersweet tones of cool gray blues, woven through my life that didn't want to exist. Those tones sing and cry water songs about fluidity change and the cycle of birth, death and rebirth. They wash over and into everything I do a tightest, soft TEALS gently eroding the lines of my life until everything becomes intertwined and connected.
A profound sense of sorrow weaves through all it is in the space that griefs shrapnel emerges fractured fragments that didn't get addressed or cleaned up, or perhaps just weren't ready to surface when I did my initial grief work. And they decide to work their way out of my system now.
One night I sobbed so uncontrollably and so I'm yielding. I flashback to the day Brent died. I cried this hard then it's the kind of wailing whose intensity and force makes you feel like your body will break. I saw and I saw and I saw missing Brent, wishing life was different. Realizing how much of myself I subverted when I was back in Alaska. And the toll it took to continue my practice at the time. I cry because my parents 49th wedding anniversary is coming up this month.
And I am struck a new that I am the last one standing who can bear witness to the journey they've taken together. All the ups and downs the changes in growth, the hard times the good times and the times in between. Brent was the only other witness to bear testimony to their journey. And now he's gone. I have an unnamed longing for which there are no words. I don't know any other way of being than to embrace my own experience itself.
So I let these fresh waves of grief flow. And I try and take space to honor them. I listen to music that reminds me of him I not more grateful I have the space to do so. I create my art and treasure my freedom. I try not to stress about the job situation and dwindling finances. I try and stay positive and keep my chin up. But sometimes it's hard. Things are taking longer to manifest on this island then I thought.
And I put the Christmas tree up. It's a tiny Charlie Brown tree we found at the store. And though my murky emotions have me feeling a little resistant to it, I push through and set up the tree on a table by the window. Smiling as I pull out the box of Christmas ornaments I packed all those months back. I remember what it was like to sort through and choose the ones that came with us.
And even though life right now doesn't look quite as shiny as I envisioned at the time I packed them. We are here and I am grateful. And I try and savor the moment of living what I dreamed. Putting ornaments and lights on a little tree. Preparing for first kawaii Christmas. Finding the good in the moment, finding the good in the day, embracing the imperfections and bumps and unexpected emotional detours. Learning to take things as they come and let my feelings fly around my radar as much as they want.
As they're all part of my palette and worthy of feeling. Letting my cool blue tones wind themselves around the lights and bright and marry at the season. Not diminishing them or taking away from them, but simply taking their rightful place as a band of color that affirms how much I miss my brother and still ache from that loss. Even as they heightened my own sense of holiness for the gift of this life, wrapping themselves around the whole and sacred circles of love.
[29:57] Creating Personal Meaning
I think that no matter where we find ourselves. Something we can do to take good care of ourselves during this time of year is to create meaning in our own ways. And if you look at the root of the word holidays, it actually is from Old English, it means holy days. And holy means sacred. It is about finding what is sacred, what is finding what is like that we feel reverence for what we feel off for what we feel wonder for, it is finding the things that give us a sense of meaning, and a sense of purpose.
And so when we talk about redefining this way, or this time of year in a way that works for us, when we talk about holding space for all parts of herself, and just honoring all those parts as beautiful and valid, and part of our whole, and when we talk about finding the sacred, it is really personal, it is about finding our sacred, it is about when we feel called to do something celebratory, and that feels meaningful for us find the meaning find what it means to you, as a highly sensitive person, I often find myself if I go to a gathering, sort of feeling part of it, and yet not part of it at all. I think it's just the observer in me.
And the part of me that, even though all engage a lot of times, I'm also really watchful, I'm watching the people around me. And sometimes what I'm doing is I'm just appreciating and appreciating dynamics and connections, and how it's so wonderful to see people like laughing and smiling and sharing. A lot of times I am appreciating the sacredness of the moment. And that is, in my mind, even as I'm being a participant in the moment. And one gift that I did receive from losing Brent, is I really try and live mindfully.
And I will often find myself thinking back then just trying to remember this moment, savor it as much as you can relish it as much as you can. Even if it's a bad moment, sometimes I'll do that, you know, reading that essay and sharing it with all of you. I remember my emotional state at the time, it had been a bumpy transition, like it was great the first few months when we got to the island. And then it was like, how do we set up real life here? And how do we find sustainable work? And how do we find kind of who we're going to be, both of us were going through these career changes.
And I was in this inner room with my practice where I wasn't sure if I was going to expand it, do nothing I was trying to cross over into the spiritual field, I was taking some time trying to figure out my identity, I had so much stuff leftover from my brother, that I didn't really have time to fully grieve the year before. You know, sometimes it just takes us a while to access those deeper emotional states. And a lot of times with grief, we're not meant to access it and process it all at once.
As our relationship to life changes. Our relationship to ourselves changes our relationship to what's in US changes. And so our relationship to grief will change. And that is why we can feel something coming up a year later, two years later, five years later, 10 years later, that we think oh my gosh, I had no idea this was even there. I thought I processed this. And you did probably you just spiraled back around and your understanding of it has shifted and you are clearing another level. And perhaps clearing or getting to a deeper part of the wound that you couldn't access before. And all of those things were going on.
And that was all wrapped in this idea though of me saying you will never ever experience this first holiday season on the island again, next year is going to be the second and the year after that the third and however long you stay there, you will never have a first again like this, you will never have this first tropical Christmas, where you're putting up your sad little Charlie Brown tree and hanging these ornaments. Remember this, this is sacred, this is meaningful, you will never pass through the hallways at this particular moment again.
So even though it wasn't perfect, there was a lot of sadness there. I actually sort of tumbled into a bit of a depression starting in January of that year. Like I said, I had a rocky landing over here. And I laugh now telling these stories like I just want to go give myself a hug and be like chin up girl. It's going to be okay you feel all the things you need to feel please write about them. It's going to be like grist for the mill of your book someday, but don't get stuck in this moment. And you will look back someday If this sort of compassionate fondness and remember all these things that felt so angst driven to you, and you will look back with the perspective of being able to tell your younger self, it is all going to work out.
And none of it is going to be probably like you think it is, and there are going to be hard times along the way. But there's also going to be beautiful times, and you're going to grow in strength, and it's going to be amazing. And that is meaning. That is how we make meaning. And so my meaning won't be your meaning, you're going to want to do that in your own way. But maybe this inspires you to think about how can you make this time meaningful no matter where you're at? How can you take good care of yourself? How can you give yourself permission to take care of what you need right now and to check in with yourself? How can you give yourself permission to feel whatever you need to feel and to honor that?
And to know that it's just part of your whole? And how can you give yourself permission to create sacred meaning? Right now, wherever you're at whether or not it feels sacred? How can you find ways to do that? And that's a beautiful journaling prompt. It's a beautiful meditation prompt. It's a beautiful prompt to tap into your heart and go spend some time in nature and see what answers you might have. It's a beautiful prompt to invoke your spiritual connection and say, universe angels, light beings. I need some inspiration this season. Here's my SOS I'm not feeling it at all. How can you find that for yourself? It doesn't matter as long as you do you.
[36:40] Coming Up Next Week
With that we are wrapping up today's episode and next week, we are going to be back to our archetype of the Tarot series. And we are talking about the archetype strength. And how do we tap into our inner string? How do we stand in our strength? What does it mean to be strong?
There's a lot of myths, truths about that or misunderstanding about what that really means. So how can we understand strength from the perspective of the heart, and we will be talking about all of that and more with that. Have an amazing week. Take good care of you always. And be well be love. Be you and be magic.
You've been listening to your heart magic with Dr. BethAnne Kapansky Wright. Tune in next week for a new episode to support and empower your life