Below is a transcript of the episode as generated by Otter.ai. (*please note, this transcript has only been edited to put in line breaks for easier readability and may contain errors where a word or phrase is lost in transcription.)

[0:35] Introduction to Episode

Hello, hi, everyone. Welcome to Your Heart magic. This is Dr. BethAnne Kapansky. Wright. And we are talking about boundaries today.

I'm laughing because I feel like boundaries a word. Some people love boundaries love this topic. Some people cringe at the word boundaries. It's kind of an interesting concept in and of itself, because I feel like many of us have, we all have a different relationship to boundaries. We all have different challenges and struggles, we all have a different concept of what good boundaries for us are.

Or maybe what good boundaries are in general, some of us really struggle with it. So everybody is kind of a little bit all over the place when it comes to this topic, but it is one that I feel is really relevant for many, many reasons. One of those is that just boundaries is a really important part of good relationships and good psychological well being. We have to know where we end and where somebody else begins in order to create healthy patterns of interacting in our lives. And boundaries is part of how we figure that out having energetic boundaries, having emotional boundaries, there are many who might listen to this podcast who identify as empaths.

And boundaries can be very challenging for empaths, if they are picking up on what others might feel, or information that is coming from somebody outside of them. So boundaries can take on a whole new meaning for those who might identify and be gifted empathically. boundaries and boundaries also allow us to figure out like what is right for us and what is not right for us and to create patterns and our life, just overall patterns that help move us towards feeling like we can be the most successful expression of self that we know how to be.

And by successful I don't necessarily mean achievement oriented, I mean, whenever successful might mean to us as an individual, whether that's your happiest version of self are most authentic, or creating a life that just really resonates for you and works for you. Boundaries are part of what allows us to do all that. And if we didn't have any boundaries, everything would just run into each other like one big giant collage, and be a big, soupy mess. So they're important in so many ways.

And as I almost always do, I actually open the Akashic records on this topic before hopping on the podcast, because I'm always interested in what wisdom they have to share with us. And one of the bigger themes that I saw in the records is that there is a lot of talk about boundaries at this time, and a lot of shifts and boundaries, and how we're setting them how we're understanding them, how we relate to each other, how we relate to ourselves.

And boundaries are really a reflection of our relationship with ourselves, and our understanding of our place and the greater ecosystem and the world around us. And so as our understanding of those things shift as our sense of identity shifts, when we go through breakthroughs and spiritual awakenings, and spiritual insights, and psychological and personal growth, we evolve our relationship with ourselves.

And so as we are evolving and those things, our boundaries can change, and where we may or may not feel called to set limitations or how we feel called to set a limitation or some form of a standard or some form of gatekeeping in our life, that can shift. And then as our understanding of the world around us changes and we come to see things through a new lens or understand new truths.

We again change how we interact within the systems around us and so that can change how we're stepping out in the world. sense of boundaries that we're setting. So this is always a relevant topic. But it is really on a lot of people's radars right now, because we are going through so many shifts, and so many changes. And one of the things we're going to talk a little bit more about is what have been some of like our biggest boundary challenges. Some of those things are starting to be challenged a little bit more. And some interesting things are coming out of that. But I'm getting a little bit ahead of myself.

[5:30] Wisdom from The Akashic Records on Boundaries

I actually asked the Akashic Records, the question of like, kind of what are healthy boundaries? What are unhealthy boundaries, what are boundaries, and they gave like such an Akashic Records response, this is what I transcribed, knowing what's yours to give, and what isn't yours to give, whether that is something literally that you are not able to give, like your time or your energy, or you can't fulfill something, or whether it's a choice, and you choose not to give it and doing so would violate your sense of freewill and your voice in some shape or form. boundaries can exist upon multiple spectrums, including physical, emotional, energetic, spiritual, mental, et cetera.

And material boundaries are just as important as material and tangible boundaries, as the tangible is usually a reflection of the intangible form. Like I said, that was a very Akashic response, very cerebral, very, kind of Webster's Dictionary, I loved it. And what I thought was so beautiful. And I think what the records reflect so often is a very unbiased look at the concept of boundaries. And the records really define boundaries as knowing, again, what can we give or what can't we give. And that could be anything from our time, our energy, our something in a relationship, how we relate to somebody communicating with somebody certain forms of communication, our money.

I mean, there's so many ways that we have these exchanges, and then knowing what's not ours to give. And it might not be because we physically or literally somehow, like cannot do it. And it can also be that we choose not to, that we don't want to and we have a reason behind that. And so to say yes to something that really feels like a no to us would feel like a violation of freewill or choice in some way.

And boundaries can be energetic boundaries, they can be physical boundaries, a lot of times people think of boundaries as saying no. And say yes to the things that light your heart up, say no to the things that don't. But boundaries could even be a time limitation, I was laughing before I hopped on to make this podcast because I have something right on the hour.

So I have a time-limited podcasts today. And I was like, Oh, that's a time boundary, you know, there's a limitation where I don't quite have the flexibility to be totally fluid and take all the time I want. And that's fine. boundaries allow us to create something within the parameters of what we can work with. And there's a time and a place where we can be more flexible with them. And there's a time and a place where we have to be a little bit more rigid or a little bit more set in those because if we don't stay within those parameters, it kind of bleeds over onto something else.

[08:39] Healthy vs. Unhealthy Boundaries

So what was interesting is I also asked the records, what are unhealthy boundaries? You know, if that's an example of like, what a boundary is, and an unhealthy like a healthy boundary versus unhealthy boundaries, like what can you tell us about that. And for the healthy boundaries, I really saw this sense of being firm, and knowing what your boundary is, but yet having a little bit of a sense of fluidity to it.

So the records talked about healthy boundaries as something where we respect the needs and the wants of the individual. So we take ourselves into account, what do I need? What do I want, while still taking into account? Like the other person or the situation, or what we're interacting with?

So it's not looking at what do I want with out anything else in the equation is looking at me as an individual within the greater context of how might this intersect with where I'm meeting the other person or what my commitment might be? Or, gosh, there's so many things that we could fill in the blank with, but it's looking at it within that bigger context. And when I opened the records, I actually saw this really beautiful image of like this shimmery web of souls, and we were

We're all connected, like there was this like beautiful, shimmering kind of iridescent silvery energy that was sort of shooting out of everybody and connecting everybody and the shared experience of humanity. And at the same time, there was all this shared energy. I also saw where each of these individual souls was represented by like a slightly different color.

So there was like this multitude of colors that represented the individual. And then there was this conjoining of colors for the collective, where our energy needs. And I thought that was such a lovely way to conceptualize this idea of kind of where do I end? Where do you begin? Where are we connected? And how do we figure out like, What's mine is mine, what's yours is yours, and when that might be more fluid than other times, and that image immediately shifted to a very fun concrete image to teach with today, that's even easier to grasp.

And that was, I saw the ocean. And in the ocean, I saw like this multitude of ocean life, I was having these flashes of images of like fish swimming in the ocean, and coral growing in the ocean, and an octopus kind of making its way across the ocean. And the idea was, this is all part of the same ocean, all of these beings exist within this greater ecosystem. And there are things that happen within that ecosystem that will impact them individually.

So that is kind of our interdependence, like what is happening in one part of the ocean very well might have an impact on some other parts, maybe not right away. But eventually, if something's happening, where there is a toxin, and the ocean, that is going to impact the marine life that is living in it, and eventually that will continue to seep and move to other parts of the oceanic structure as a whole.
 
So there is this interconnection that we all have, where what happens to one of us kind of has these ripple effects within the greater web of humanity. And I think about that more as interdependence. boundaries, to me, is more the idea that within that greater web of interdependence, we are still a human soul on a human journey. And we've got these bodies that we're in, which are our own boundary. And then we've got this energy that our bodies are admitting kind of our auric field or energetic electromagnetic field.

And all of those things are our own. They might interact some with who we come into contact with, but they are our own to work with. And so that's really the, I feel the essence of boundaries. I just love that ocean image. Because it's such a beautiful way to look at the paradox of yes, we're all connected, we are all part of the whole.

At the same time, we're also individuals within that hole, and we have the right to say yes, or to say no, or to go swim in a different part of the ocean. If we don't like where we're at, we have the right to do many different things. And that is part of our divine rights granted us sovereign souls.

[13:27] Understanding Our Boundaries Within the Context of Relationship

So we have to understand ourselves within that relationship. And that is what informs us to make healthy boundaries. Unhealthy boundaries tend to fall on two ends of the spectrum. And the first one I think, is what most people think of when they think of unhealthy boundaries. And that is jello boundaries, like boundaries where the person either has no boundaries whatsoever, or they say no, but then they go on ahead and do it anyways.

So like no doesn't mean No, and yes, might not always mean Yes, they've got like flaky boundaries, and really amorphous boundaries. And somebody who might not have a very solid sense of self might really struggle with setting boundaries for themselves. Codependency one of the tenants of that are one of the tendencies I suppose of people who struggle with codependent tendencies is that oftentimes they might have an underdeveloped relationship with self.

So they kind of get their sense of validation from meeting somebody else's needs and being needed in some capacity. And so they might say yes to things to please somebody else, and be really disconnected from the fact that yes, doesn't actually feel good to their personhood, and it doesn't feel good and self honoring to their heart, but there's a complete disconnect and break down there that's going on.

So that's an easy example of not really having good boundaries and feeling a little bit like a doormat. Um, That's something sometimes people struggle with and say, I feel like people think they can just walk all over me. And I really want to change that. But I don't know how to be assertive without being aggressive.

And sometimes some of that can be a reflection of being raised in a family unit where healthy boundaries weren't modeled. I'm jumping a little bit ahead of myself here. But if we don't know what good boundaries are, how are we supposed to set them for ourselves?

So a boundary challenge can be just figuring out what are boundaries in the first place, and what do healthy ones look like. But if we're really like wobbly on what they are, and we go back and forth, or we really want to say no, but we just keep saying yes to everything. Those might be examples of weak boundaries or unhealthy boundaries, because they're not really honoring and taking the needs and wants of the individual into account. And they're not respecting those needs and wants.

What was interesting to me, and this came from the records, is they actually showed me the other side of the spectrum, where somebody maybe has very what might look like solid boundaries, but they are rigid to the point of either hurting the people around them, or maybe even hurting themselves, because their boundaries are so set.

And they're so rigid, and they're so set in their ways that they miss out on opportunities where they could learn to be more fluid and expansive. So according to the records, the two most common forms of unhealthy boundaries are opposite ends of the spectrum. It is the weak and ineffective boundaries. And then it's the ones that are like the bull does, or boat bulldozer boundaries, where all that is taken into account is this is what I want, this is what I need.

And there's no awareness for the greater ecosystem, it's kind of taking from others, or taking what best serve somebody else, without actually taking into account when I do this, it might do real harm, or it might hurt somebody else, or what I'm taking right here, maybe it's not theirs to take, or the other person really didn't have it to give. And they demanded it anyways because of the role they were in. So there's a lot of examples that we could come up with.

But I loved that the records showed me that I have a, I suppose a bias of thinking of boundaries, I know more about the jello boundaries. And one of the biggest reasons behind that is as an empath, and I'm somebody who has really had to work on my people pleasing tendencies, that side of the boundary piece was, have this been like a huge growth curve for me.

So I've done a lot of work on like not being a good codependent and really breaking out of that cycle, and unlearning that, I have my own voice and I can speak it and I have the right to do all these things. You know, that has been, as I said, a growth and sort of a work in progress throughout my development, really from college on when I started figuring out that I was like running into issues for myself and that some of that was connected to me struggling with setting healthy boundaries or even knowing that I had a right to set some of them.

So and I tend to work with a lot of impasse are many of the individuals I work with, often have similar kinds of struggles. And I have a lot of clientele sometimes that came from family systems where they might have been like the high functioning emotionally intelligent one in the room, and somehow became the emotional custodian and the family system. So I've got a little bit of a bias just based on my own experiences that when I think about unhealthy boundaries, that's the first thing that pops in my mind because of my limited experience base.

So I'm very grateful to the Akashic for sort of bringing in this additional perspective that when somebody is overly rigid, that that's actually just as unhealthy, there's no fluidity there.

[19:05] Boundaries as A Door: A Metaphor

And one of the nicest ways that I think I once heard boundaries described years ago, um, this was in a counseling practice setting that I was in, I have no idea where this came from, or who said it, I just remember somebody saying it, and that they taught clients that boundaries are like a door, sometimes you can leave a door wide open and say, Come on in, these are my office hours, or these are my visiting hours. Sometimes we crack the door.

And when we crack the door, that's a cue that maybe somebody wants to like knock first or kind of like step in cautiously and say Is now a good time. And sometimes we shut that door and you know, kind of flip the Do Not Disturb sign. And so it was this idea that boundaries can be fluid, and that we can play with like how open we want them to be and how close they need to be, and that there's a flexibility in them and that sometimes was our boundaries might change based on who it is and what the situation is.

So none of this stuff is set in stone, something that is really reflected a lot, not just from the records. But you know, really from this just the spiritual idea that we are souls having this human journey. And part of what we're doing down here on planet Earth is learning as we go, it is making mistakes, it is learning to do things in a way that might be the wrong way so that we can figure out a better way or right way to do it.

And boundaries are just part of that experience. And figuring out interaction patterns and healthy things in our life are also part of that experience. So we're not being rigid here. And we're not being perfectionist about doing this, it's the idea of fluidity, and being able to recognize that there is such a thing as healthy boundaries, that those can change and shift based on ourselves, our growth, and how we're interacting with the systems and the individuals around us. That we are allowed to make mistakes, we are allowed to say, let me try doing it this way. Because it doesn't didn't really work. That way, we actually learn and grow from our mistakes.

And that when we are able to find that sweet spot where we really are honoring and respecting our needs and our wants, and also feel like we are being respectful of the systems that we're moving in and working in. That's when we really can kind of make the magic happen and feel like we're more equipped to have healthy relationships. And those relationships might be with other people, those relationships might be with ourself. Those relationships could be with anything we're in relationship with, as we're interacting with the world around us.

[22:03] Boundaries as a Reflection of Our Inner Values

The other thing with boundaries is that any external boundary that we set any, like tangible step that we take, you know, if somebody says to me, Hey, BethAnne,
I know you speak, and we're looking for somebody to come and speak about this topic on the stage, would you be interested? I can take into account many things. Am I actually interested? Like, if I'm not, that's a no right there, right?

Let's say the topic is something that is just not my expertise, or something that's not at all exciting to me. And I just am like, I'm not really the person to do this. That would be a no, let's say that it is a time issue. And they've asked me to speak and it's on the same evening that I promised somebody that we would like get together or that we would do something. And now I'm in a little bit of a conundrum, let's say I really want to speak.

So I've got like, sort of this dilemma here. Ooh, I already said yes to this one thing. But I really want to say yes to this other thing. Like, what do I do with that? How do I negotiate that? How do I set a boundary with that? Let's say that they want me to speak, and they're just saying, like, Hey, this is just volunteer work. You know, we're not able to compensate you at all, but we'd be really, really grateful.

What things might I take into account that might have me saying yes to that? Would there be things that I would take into account? That I would say no to that? What if it was coming from like an elementary school, and they wanted somebody to come talk to the kids, or we'll say a junior high about being a writer, or creative writing or something like that.

And I knew that this was a school that didn't have a lot of extra money to give, you know, and what if I knew that it was something, let's say some other different venue? And I knew that this venue usually pay people to come speak, but was just kind of hoping I do it for free? If they didn't offer any money? Would those things make a difference? And the boundary that I set? And if I said yes or no? And then if I did say yes. If I would say no problem, happy to volunteer, versus no problem. And here's my speaking fee, or no problem. When I'm speaking in situations like this, this is the sliding scale fee that I create.

[24:36] Clear Boundaries Begin Within Us

All of those things might inform how I set a boundary and whether or not I said yes or no and then if there was any additional parameters around that, and all of that would be a reflection of energetic boundaries inside of me, where somewhere along the way I have done work around realizing that my time is bad. valuable that I don't necessarily have to give it away or do things.

Just because somebody asked there if I decided to ask for a fee that reflects a boundary perhaps around money, or a boundary around relationships or exchanges, or what might feel equitable to me. Let's say that this is a place and they routinely pay people, but they're kind of hoping I'll do it for free. So nobody bothers to offer compensation. And I've not done any work around my business around money around my time being valuable. And I've not really done any work around taking into account do I want to do it?

So let's say I get asked, and I feel like I have to do it. Because if somebody asked me to do something, and it sounds like a good thing to do, I should do it because I feel obligated. Sign a boundary, that's codependency. But I at one point in my life probably did feel that way.

So this is a good example. And let's say I'm afraid to ask for any compensation, because I don't want to upset them. Because what if they get mad at me? Or what if they think I'm greedy? Because I've done no work around one, just realizing that that is a okay thing to do as a professional is to have an upfront conversation about fees or not fees, or money does not have to be uncomfortable, does not have to mean you're greedy. It is a business thing, where you are inquiring about what are the terms of the speaking?

And then let's say that I haven't really done any research. And so I actually have no idea that most people who perhaps they've got my qualifications normally get this? And are they asked for this or something. And so I've not really like recognized my worth, do you see, as I'm talking, how how I navigate that is actually a reflection of internal work. And it's a reflection of energetic boundaries. And what if I somewhere along the way, realize that I have for years given away time and energy, and I never asked enough for myself, I'm making this up.

By the way, this I'm not being asked to speak. And I have not set this boundary in my back to say, for myself, this is an example. I'm just teaching example.

But let's say that that was an issue for me. And I realized that that was problematic. And so let's say I made this decision. And I said to myself, You know what, I've done enough volunteer work around that. And so I'm just not interested in doing any more and the only thing I'm going to say yes to is paid speaking engagements, because I feel like I need to really help that part of myself who gave and gave and gave and gave and wasn't compensated.

And so I'm actively working on healing that part of myself. And I'm actively working on letting myself know, like, your time is worth, like some form of compensation, where the that that is money or a form of a trade or something like that. So what if I have done that work? And so I say, Gosh, it just sounds like a really amazing opportunity. But I'm just not in a position say yes to that at this time.

You know, and let's say I found out that they're just really looking for a volunteer. And that's all they have to give. And there's nothing wrong if I were to say yes to it, other than I'm actively have set this energetic boundary, that I'm no longer saying yes to things like that, because I did it for too long, and I felt taken advantage of.

[28:32] Our External Boundaries Reflect Our Energetic Boundaries

So that's just one example of the many, many ways that boundaries might come into play. And that what I ended up doing actually is a reflection of my energetic boundaries, and how I've chosen to set boundaries around my beliefs about my time, or my worth, or my value, and the exchanges in my life. So what we do externally, generally is an internal reflection.

And I was really learning that lesson. Around the year 2017 2018 is when I moved to the island of Hawaii 2017 is when we made the big move. And I had really left. When I left Alaska, one of the beautiful things about coming here and starting over was having a lot of space to self reflect. And I had the opportunity to ask questions and make some behavioral changes that we don't always get in life unless we're doing a big reset. And one of the things that I really realized in Alaska is that I did have a tendency to be an over giver.

And this happened a lot when it was really came to the forefront when I was going through losing my brother branch in 2016. And I was really in the heart of my grief. And I just could not be there as a friend. Like I'm I used to be in the past. And so I started saying no to all these things. And I still ran my practice.

But I remember setting a boundary of like, no new clients, you know, no new relationships, I felt like I had the emotional bandwidth to work with people I was already in relationship with and like had a good rapport established with. But there's different kinds of energy that happens when you're meeting new people for the first time, and you're establishing a sense of alliance with them, I just didn't have it in me to give. And so there's a lot of things I said no to that I'd never given myself permission to say no to before. And there were a lot of changes that I made in my life, at the time that I had never given myself permission to change, I thought about it.

But I never quite been able to give myself permission. And it was really eye opening to me, because it made me realize that I'd spent a lot of time showing up for other people trying to be what I felt they needed me to be, and that I had this deficit and learning how to show up for myself. And it wasn't 100% deficit. It's not like I didn't like wasn't self aware at all. None of this stuff is black and white. It's more like I saw where it was out of balance. And I still it was much easier for me to show up for somebody else than it was to show up for myself.

And so I really started working with the idea of like saying no to something saying no to somebody is actually a yes to me. And it's just two aspects of me that has a need for maybe solitude, that has a need to just be in my own energy that has a need to do something different than the patterns I'd created for myself.

Then when I got to Hawaii, I had all this time to evaluate the question of like, Well, where did I go wrong? You know, there was some things that I didn't love about how I felt because I felt drained quite a bit. And I felt like an accordion, like not wanting an accordion is stretched out. But when it's like scrunched together, and sometimes I felt like I almost didn't have room to breathe in my own life because it was so busy. And I felt so obligated and a lot of that was stuff I wanted to do.

So I was in this conundrum because I yes to all these things I want to do. But I was like how did I get in the position with so many things to say yes to in the first place. So I did a lot of self reflection and evaluation.

[32:27] A Breakthrough Moment

And I really had this breakthrough moment. That kind of went on for a couple months. So I was actively working with this where I realized that I just didn't want to consent to being kind of the hand holder anymore. And the person that everybody might come to or think of of I should talk to Beth, and she always has wisdom that I just wasn't interested in being that role. Which isn't to say that I don't mind sharing wisdom or that I'm a bad friend and that I don't have friends.

It's more to say I wanted to remove myself from the role of feeling like if somebody said, Hey, this is going on, I really need guidance that I had to say yes, in the moment, without taking into account myself.

And I really did some soul searching about are there times I'm using my professional skills to be a great friend, people like being friends with therapist, usually we make good friends, we know good things to say, I remember a mentor of mine, when she was another mental health professional. She's like, everybody wants to be friends with a therapist. It may be a little bit of a generalization, but I found that to be true. It's very handy to have a psychologist as a friend.

And so I really had to ask myself if I feel like I'm drawing on my professional capacity to help somebody? Am I interested in doing that? As a friend? I'm not really, you know, and so I set some new boundaries around that. And if somebody really wanted some of my professional skills, you know, I might say to them, like, I can't see somebody as a client, but I might be like, Hey, if you want me to put my doctor hat on, like, like, you know, let's do a consultation.

You know, let's, let's figure this out in a different way. Or I might say, even better. You know what, this is something that as a therapist, I have so much stuff to say about it, but I'm your friend. And I don't really want to like mix those roles up. But you should really connect with somebody professionally. That would be such a good idea. So that you could maybe get some professional feedback or guidance is to be a great thing to talk to a therapist about it.

Oh, well, you know, would you see me know, we're friends, you know, so it was all of those things where I was doing a lot of work around it. And I remember just having these moments of being like I no longer consent to this, and really seeing stuff that I had agreed to energetically that had created those patterns in my life. So before I could say no externally, and actually figure out what my boundaries were, I had to start saying no internally, and seeing where I had kind of like sign on the dotted line without even meaning to, and sort of unwittingly, like consented to some of these exchanges I've gotten myself into, that may or may not have been fair to me. But I never stopped to question.

And so I remember like sitting on like the side of a mountain sleeping giant. Nobody was up there. And like staring out at like the city below me, and like looking out at the view and being like, I no longer consent to this. And what I was no longer consenting to, was, it was a empathic energy thing, I was like, I am not interested anymore, and going out in public and having somebody like, see that my energy's really receptive. And being in a grocery store situation where I've just been told somebody's problems, like I was leaking energy all over the place years ago, and people would kind of see there's a kind soul. And I would end up in these things, where it felt like, no matter where I went, people might tell me what was happening with them. That happens a lot to empaths. And I was like, I don't consent to that anymore.

You know, and I really sat down my terms  to the universe. And I was like, I am happy to share my time and my expertise. Here's how I'm still willing to do that, professionally, here's how I'm willing to do that in my personal relationships. And here's how I'm not willing to do that. I'm not doing heavy lifting for people that they can learn to do on their own, just because it's easy for me, because I've been doing it a long time. Like, I'm not interested in doing that, you know, and I really put out there like I will, like, really give, especially to people in need, who don't have access a different way.

But for people who have many, many, many choices, like I'm kind of taking some of my energy back. So I really set that out. And you have the right to set those things out for yourself and to think about in your life. Is there anything that you have kind of unwittingly consented to that you would like to change, changing a boundary around that starts with you, it starts inside of you, it starts in the pages of your journal, and in your prayer time and in your heart, where you began to set better energetic boundaries for yourself and say, I don't like this pattern of exchange in my life, or I don't like this, I'm giving too much to this, or I'm not receiving enough from this. And I don't know how to change it, but I just no longer consent to things continuing to go in this direction. So so often, what we do and feel called to act and act externally, is an internal reflection.

[37:48] Boundary Challenges and Growth Points

All right, let's talk about boundary challenges and growth points. We've touched on these a little bit. But I just want to take a moment and kind of highlight a few of some of those are.

The first one I was just talking about this number one, not knowing yourself or your limitations. So if our boundaries are a reflection of our self knowledge, and our relationship with ourself, and knowing ourself and our self awareness, then if we don't have a firm sense of who we are, and what pleases us and what doesn't, it makes it hard for us to set effective boundaries.

And I wrote down boundary challenges. And then I've got underline challenges, equal growth points, none of these things that I'm talking about are like boundaries, like you can't set them if these are just obstacles and challenges that we grow through most of us struggle in some shape, or form with it, one of these, a little bit of all of these, or we've gone through a lot of growing around them.

And now we know how to do it better. And we just kind of come back and touch base with the lessons from time to time to make sure they still feel intact. So this isn't about like you can't set boundaries, if there just might be some challenges to setting boundaries. And if we've never had space to really self actualize, or to get to know ourselves.

Or if we've been in situations where we're told who we should be. And we haven't always had relationships where somebody says you got to be who you are. You don't have to be who I expect you to be. I want you to be your real self. And if you don't know what your real self is, then you owe it to yourself to go figure that out. Like if we've never had somebody tell us that.

And so nobody's ever told us like it's your boundary not just your boundary, it's your right to get to know yourself and to know who you are and to bring that reflection into the world that's not selfish, that is self honoring. It is spiritually honoring that is your heart magic and your heart medicine, the essence of you that you're bringing to the world. If you've not heard that message, how are you supposed to know yourself?

But our Self-knowledge is what allows us to assess all those boundary pieces. That example that I gave about being asked to speak. And things that I might take into account from money to time to the organization to do I want to all of those would be a reflection of self knowledge and work that I've done like in those different channels, and facets of myself, something else that can be a boundary challenge is around personal accountability.

And when we kind of put our personal responsibility into the hands of somebody else, and expect them to either set the boundary for us or make us happy, like when we basically take our dependency needs, and give them to somebody else, and are kind of like, here, you carry this, I need this, I need you to do this in order for me to feel filled up. That's a boundary challenge. A lot of times that is a little bit of what codependency might look like, well, I can't be happy, because so and so keeps acting like this, you know, there is a personal responsibility piece with boundaries.

And it is our personal responsibility as spiritual beings as sovereign souls to take accountability for our lives, and to set as effectively as we can appropriate limits for our life. Given our circumstances, I understand some of us might find ourselves in circumstances where we would like to do one thing, and we might not be at the liberty to do so. So this is kind of all within reason. But you know, when we kind of place the keys to our happiness in somebody else's hands, and say, Here, you hold this, we are really kind of giving them access and kind of taking our boundary stuff and pushing it off onto them.

So one of the challenges to setting boundaries is personal accountability. And if somebody says, you know, we'll have you tried this, yes, but you know, someone so did this, what about this? Yes, but so and so did this. Like, if there's a lot of Yes, buts. If somebody feels like they have to like, I don't know, they're doing something. Let's say they're complaining, because they keep getting asked to do something. They really don't want to, but they never say no.

And then they just turn around and complain about it. And you say, Well, have you tried to say no? Well, yes. But yes, that's usually a good indicator to do a little bit of self reflection. And say, like, let's flip the bat tune. And yes, and you know, whatever reason you think negates your decision to set a boundary or your right to set a boundary, I think a lot of those things can be challenged.

If somebody would have asked me, oh, I can't remember how many years it's been now we'll say eight years ago. Like, you know, do you want to move to Hawaii someday, I would have said yes. But I'm so locked into my private practice in Alaska. I just, I feel like I couldn't abandon this work. I couldn't do this. Well, that was I don't know, eight years ago, and I've been in Hawaii six years now. So a lot of times our 'buts' can be challenged. And it comes back to that personal responsibility and accountability for self.

[43:25] Boundary Confusion = Unclear Boundaries

Something else that can be a challenge to boundaries is confusion over what boundaries are in the first place. This can happen a lot if we have a family of origin, where there was unclear boundaries, where yes, might have meant no, or no meant yes, or the rules change, or there was a lot of inconsistency, or you tried to speak up for yourself and it wasn't honored.

So when we're confused, and there's a lack of clarity, that can mean unclear boundaries. I used to have like years ago in my therapy practice in Alaska, this like little handout, and it said things like you have the right to say no, you have the right to change your mind. You have the right to set a time limit to your time, you have the right to like it was really basic things and it was just like client's basic rights or something like that.

And sometimes I would give that to somebody who came from a really codependent or toxic family system. And they might be like, Oh, my gosh, this is revolutionary, that none of these things were given as a right when I was a kid growing up in my family. And so some of their adult work might be recognizing like, well, you have the right to say no, whether or not you choose to exercise it. You don't have to keep saying yes to this or you have the right to say this is my not my working hours or you have the right to not respond to attacks that comes across your phone in the evening.

Kudos to you if you're exercising that right. I love that right? It is very hard for some people. And phones are a weird thing. They're like this new way to play with boundaries and can be an extension of problematic boundaries sometimes. Because if people struggle with those and somebody texts them, they feel the need to respond just because somebody's there on the other end.

And it's kind of crazy, because it's like, before we had text, you'd call the homeland, the landline. And if nobody answered, you'd leave a message, and you'd let them get back to you. You know, this expectation of immediate gratification, it is up to us to take personal responsibility. And if we don't want to teach our friends, or whoever it is that they're going to get immediate gratification and get an immediate response. Don't give one, do it differently, be the friend, where they say, oh, yeah, sometimes she takes a while to respond, she's been doing that for years, it's just her way, like change the pattern.

[46:03] The Challenge of Boundaries by Consensus

All right. Another way oh, I wrote down another challenge can be boundary by consensus. This is kind of the equivalent of wanting to set a boundary but wanting everybody to be okay with it. Like you really want to say no to something, you don't want to volunteer anymore for the PTA.

But you want everybody to agree with that and tell you that it's all okay, and you're on to volunteer. And of course, you need to go take care of yourself and you are off the hook. People may or may not agree, they may or may not like a boundary that you set, it doesn't mean that it's wrong to set it. If we have been a habitual yes person, and all of a sudden, we decide to start saying no and change things.

Usually people don't like that, because they got used to us doing a certain something some way. So usually the longer term and spin, the more people sometimes can struggle, especially if they don't have healthy boundaries themselves and have an expectation that you should do it or a sense of entitlement that it should be done.
 
So don't look for consensus. It's really not about that it feels nice, but you may or may not get it, it really comes down to again, that personal accountability. And does this feel right for me, and giving ourselves permission to do it.

And that in and of itself can be a challenge, because sometimes we struggle with giving ourselves permission. It's interesting, I remember once talking to a friend about a relationship issue that I was having in my life. And she is a great person with boundaries. And I learned a lot about setting boundaries, really smart businesswoman. And something that I learned from her is how to be more firm and my boundaries.
 
And so I remember consulting with her and saying, I'm having issues with this. What do you think? And she said, Well, you know exactly what you want to do. You just want give yourself permission to do it. Like you don't need me to tell you what to do. You already said you would like to terminate this situation in your life, and you want full closure on it. You just have to give yourself permission to do it.

So what's keeping you from doing that? That's what you and I can talk about to kind of help you find the movement, wise words, that was all about me realizing that this had become to a place of being a nonnegotiable.

[48:31] When Boundaries Might be a Non-Negotiable

So just a couple of things to sum up something that we didn't really have time to get into and honoring my time boundary, I'm going to start wrapping this up over the next couple of minutes. is setting a boundary that we know somebody else won't like and when do we take them into account?

And when do we not, and I really can't do justice to that in just a couple of minutes. But there are times that we come to a what we know is a hard no for us. And it is a non negotiable. And maybe because the other person isn't healthy or unhealthy place, we are not able to really have any wiggle room on that boundary.

So sometimes we know that this is going to be really hard for somebody. But if I continue to do this, ultimately, maybe it enables them or enables this bad pattern to continue. And I don't know that they'll fully understand. But everything in me says it has to be as hard as this. This is the firm boundary and I'm going to enact it. There is a discernment process of learning when there's room for negotiation with their boundaries, and when there's not.

And I think that would be an excellent topic for another time of kind of looking at that. Sometimes we set a boundary and say, Well, this is what's right for me and the other person is like can we talk about this? Like I this is new, all new information. I haven't even had an opportunity to make a change chair, you know, usually when we set that kind of hardcore non negotiable, I feel like a good rule of thumb is we've actually tried multiple times to communicate to the other person, perhaps a less hardcore boundary, or we've tried to negotiate and it hasn't worked. And so we've kind of exhausted those options and reached a place.

Quick answer to a longer topic. But I feel like there's a progression to doing something that might be hardcore and upsetting to somebody else, like if you're going to cut somebody out of your life is a good example. And oftentimes, there's a progression. I think that takes us there as opposed to just doing it and the other person's like, but I still really would like to talk about this. And you're like, Nope, that's my boundary. I've got opinions about that, that I will say more about another time honoring my own boundaries.

[50:56] An Important Question for Determining Boundaries

Ultimately, what it comes down to is, we want to be fluid. We want to give ourselves space to continually assess is this working? Is this working? How about this if it this way, and we want to be self-honoring.

And ultimately, that's what the Akashic Record said, and this is kind of what I'll bring it to, as our take home for today, is as you're setting boundaries, or experiencing something that somebody's doing, and you think I need to set a boundary and make a change here, just keep asking yourself, Does this feel good to me? And does this feel good to me?

And if it doesn't feel good, why not, and then do the work around figuring out why it doesn't feel good, and what is causing it to not feel good, that is going to allow you to assess where the issue is, and help inform the kind of limit or the kind of change that you might need to make.

So it's about being self-honoring, not at the expense of everybody else around you, but in a way that is respectful of your needs, and your freewill and ultimately, what feels right to your heart.

[52:06] Coming Up Next Week

All right. Next week, we are going to be talking about breaking toxic cycles. And looking a little bit at addictive cycles, toxic cycles, how do we move out of those things? Toxic cycles can be anything from a relationship to an addictive pattern to being addicted drama. There's a lot of things. 

So we're going to look at that and I will open the Akashic records before the topic and see what wisdom they have to share with us about that. So that is coming up next week. And we'll also tie in spiritually. How does that kind of intersect with when we talk about breaking ancestral patterns and karmic cycles. 

There's interesting spiritual information there that I'm looking forward to kind of bringing through and as always seeing what wants to be presented to us. 

Until then have an amazing week. And be well, be love, be you, and be magic.