Below is a transcript of the episode as generated by Otter.ai. (*please note, this transcript has only been edited to put in line breaks for easier readability and may contain errors where a word or phrase got lost in transcription.)

[0:34] Introduction to Episode

Aloha everyone, this is Dr. BethAnne Kapansky. Wright, and welcome to the your heart magic Podcast. Today we are talking about the topic when leaps of faith fall flat. And we are going to be looking at first of all, what is a leap of faith? And how might we take leaps of faith in our own life, whether we think about it that way or not.

And what happens when we have given something are all and we feel like we took a leap of faith into trying something new, doing something, it might be a relationship, there's a lot of ways that we make a quantitative leap in our life. And we feel like it doesn't work out, it feels like we failed. It feels like maybe we fell flat. It feels like we were not supported. And we are left kind of grasping at air.

And you know, sort of having like bruised kneecaps or we feel really banged up or like we crashed and burned. And we are dealing with the very human emotions of disappointment, and disillusionment and dealing with the very common questions that we might start to have, like what happened? Did it something wrong with spirit, not their kind of w t f angels? That is really what I want to focus on today. How do we find perspective with that?

[2:17] Finding Perspective When Life Doesn't Go As Planned

And to put this into a context, I think it's always a relevant topic. But I've heard from so many people and heard so many stories, and certainly experienced it myself that in particular, the last four or five, six years, a lot of this has timed around the pandemic and how it changed plans for many of us, in many, many ways that we thought we were leaping into something or we're setting out to create or do something. And then we took this big leap and like the crash and burn was literally what was going on in our world and not feeling supported, maybe with the timing and many people had there's a lot of fallout over that.

So I think there's been a lot of collective disillusionment and disappointment. I think a lot of Lightworkers and spiritually minded people have been struggling. And trying to find perspective, when we feel resentful, or bitter, or really confused about what happened is such an important ingredient to being able to not give up faith to stay on our paths, figure out a way to make it through. So that is what we're exploring today. And I'm going to start with a quote that kind of inspired this title. It's one that I read years ago from Terence McKenna. And it says--

Nature loves courage. You make the commitment and nature will respond to that commitment by removing impossible obstacles. Dream, the impossible dream and the world will not grind you under it will lift you up. This is the trick. This is what all these teachers and philosophers who really counted who really touched the alchemical gold, this is what they understood. This is the shamanic dance and the waterfall. This is how magic is done. by hurling yourself into the abyss and discovering it's a Featherbed.

I probably wandered across this quote and Oh, somewhere between 2013 1415 I was really into quotes at that time in my life and was always finding beautiful ones to support my journey and to inspire me. And I love this idea of taking this leap of faith into the unknown and hurling ourselves off the abyss and instead of free falling into nothing finding out that really there's a feather bed waiting there. It really speaks to that idea that so often we talk ourselves into staying in a more a limited version of our life, we talk ourselves into not making the big change, or the big leap or taking the big risks that we will sometimes feel our hearts calling us to do.

We can talk ourselves into the Safer Choice. And I felt like this quote was so like, just throw caution to the wind, and be the fool and the Terra, we've been talking about archetypes be the fool, just take a leap off that cliff and discover what if all along, you were completely supported, and it was all going to be okay. And when I found this quote, not only was it inspiring, it just really spoke to where I was at in my life. At that time, I had been doing a series of various leaps of faith from small ones to really big things. And so I felt like I was trying to become this braver version of BethAnne a bigger version of BethAnne a more authentic version of myself. And I, of course, drew in any and all resources that inspired me to do that, and felt like it supported me. And that quote, was one of them.

And I remember back in 2017, when we moved to the island of kawaii I, one of the reasons that I did it, among many, many, many reasons. But one of my motivations and there is that I really hoped that it would be something that as I took my journey over here, and followed my heart and let it develop, that at some point, whether it was in writing or speaking, it would inspire others to follow their soul calling. And that it would be the story of I had all these things that I believed in theory, and they had been tested to some extent. And now I'm really going to put it to the test, I'm not just going to take a leap of faith, that is a smaller thing.

And I'm still relatively safe, I'm going to take a leap of faith into a much bigger version of reality, and a much bigger version of myself. And I'm going to slosh away all these things that were these old safety nets and old parts of my identity, that were keeping me in a space of more certitude. And I am going to hurl myself into the abyss and see what happens. And over the course of the last six, seven years, I have found that it's been both a Featherbed, and a bit of a crash and burn. And that I realized somewhere and probably around year four or five, that the reasons I thought it was coming over here were so different than why I really came over here.

And what I've received from this journey has less to do with I'm going to show others I did it and you can do it too, and be this like super motivational person. And it's really been more of an exploration of wisdom and spiritual growth and learning how to continually keep creatively reinventing myself, when things don't go the way that I thought they would.

[8:06] What Is A Leap of Faith?

So I love this topic for personal reasons. And just as for any of us in the collective who are struggling, I wanted to talk a little bit about what is a leap of faith. Many of us hear that word. And we have some sense of what it is. I think for many people, they kind of think about taking a risk or taking a gamble or doing something where it's not for sure, you're not entirely sure it's going to work out, but for some reason you feel called are really pulled to doing it.

So you might take a leap of faith and leave a relationship. Maybe you move somewhere, maybe you leave one job and you start another- I actually looked at the origins of this phrase, and according at least to Wikipedia, it's associated with the philosopher Soren Kierkegaard, and it really had to do with religious philosophers is where it was first used quite often. And it was this idea that like belief and a higher power, belief in God faith was kind of required this leap, that sometimes scientific evidence, you couldn't necessarily prove that spirit was there, but that there had to be this like leap in your mind into this idea of a higher power.

And if you read about leaps of faith, it's been used in different instances, a lot of times it was associated with, like I said, belief in a higher power. But I think traditionally at this point in time, most people's understanding is a little bit more of any time we are being the fool and the archetype or the taro. And we are leaping into a new situation and trying something for the first time and we don't have a guarantee that it's going to be okay but we're going to do it anyways.

[10:00] Insight from the Akashic

I actually asked the Akashic records, like how would you define a leap of faith, kind of according to our modern day age, and they said that it's letting go of something you have come to rely upon as a certainty for you. So you can step into the creation of a new reality in some shape, or thought, or form. And that usually a high degree of trust, or faith, and hope is involved when you make a leap of faith. I thought that was a very succinct definition, I thought that's exactly what it feels like. The image that came through when I was channeling that was somebody who had been holding on to something holding on to like the the ledge of a cliff or something like that, and they're afraid to let go.

And maybe they've become comfortable holding on to it, they are used to like gripping this form, the way it's always been, and that has helped anchor them and it's helped stabilize them. And there was the sense of them just unclenching their fist and letting go and allowing themselves to sort of take this freefall, and see if I let go of this certain piece of land, and allow myself to fall into something new, or to try and step into something new. What might that be, I've often thought about it before as well with the metaphor of like leaving the certainty of shore, if you were going to go swim in the ocean, where you know that it's safe on the land, but maybe you really want to explore like what's in the lake, what's in the lagoon? What happens if I allow myself to get on this little boat and journey across these waters.

And the only way that we are able to do that is to like fully get the boat or fully commit to swimming across this ocean. If we try and keep one foot on the shore, or like one hand gripped to this, this certainty, this land that we were on before, like you can't keep one foot if you're going to do a leap, you can't keep one foot in one place and use the other to try and leap you will be stuck between two realities. And so the way I've often thought about it, when the way the images were coming through in the Akashic was very similar to that, that it requires this letting go. And what you're hoping to accomplish off of that is moving into the creation of some sort of new reality.

And a lot of times that aspect of that new reality has to do with something that we feel called to explore or do in our heart, whether that is through a relationship, a new job, or moving somewhere, it might be a change in identity, and a change and how we think about ourselves, or how we identify or how we understand ourselves. There's so many things that we attached to in this life that give us a sense of who we are, and what we're about in the world. And so it's letting go of one of those attachments and daring to say, I feel like something new is calling me forth.

And I asked the records like, why even take a leap of faith? What's that about for humanity, and they just said, the human desire to grow and expand and evolve. That is a natural extension of curiosity, and this desiring to explore something new. And that leaps of faith are sometimes prompted by spiritual urges, or a sense of a higher calling involved, or a sense of something like deeper or, or more soulful in you, oftentimes, and especially for those listening to this podcast.

There is a spiritual component to a leap of faith that has a little bit less to do with, I'm leaping into believing in spirit and more to do with feeling called by spirit feeling called by our soul, called by a new world called by something that feels more transcendent, bigger, more transpersonal, than your current limited view of yourself and your world. So we take leaps of faith all the time, I think some of them are just bigger than others. And the bigger they are, the more I think we have fear around what if I fall? And what if I don't succeed at this? And that is what I'd really like to speak to today. And the first thing I want to say is that we have to understand that the concept of failure is subjective.

So the Akashic was actually a little bit amused at my title for this podcast. I called it that because it flashed through my mind of taking this leap of faith and this beautiful quote that I shared about like leaping into a feather bed, and I was like, Well, what if it doesn't do like that, and what if like you feel like you loved and instead of a Featherbed, like you get concrete or something, and you're like, oh, my gosh, I crashed and burned and broke a few things in me and smashed myself up, you know, and I'm a wreck after that, what a disaster. That is really what I was thinking of, like, what do we do when it doesn't work out. And we had like the best laid plans.

And this sense of I had it all lined up, and I was going to do this thing. And I can think of examples that I have kind of seen play out with people that I know over the last few years, you know, I can think of somebody that I know who moved to a completely different country, and really felt like like this, is it like I'm supposed to do this thing. And it wasn't at all what they thought it would be. And a lot of creative reinvention happened. And I think they ended up eventually leaving, but it certainly wasn't this idea of this is where I'm going to retire. And I'm going to stay there. A

nd I'm going to just create the next chapter in my life. And I imagine I haven't asked them personally lately, how was that for you. But I imagined that was pretty surprising. When somebody says like, this is what I'm gonna do. And like, these are my plans for this next life phase. And that's really interrupted, I can think of a good friend of mine who also made a really big move, and it was this idea of I'm going to stay here. And then some things happen. And COVID happened that was a big one, and ended up not standing and going to a different state entirely. And having to go through this process of letting go and just feeling like this stream that they were trying to create was ripped from them and a lot of confusion over did I get it wrong? I really felt called to this. And what am I supposed to do, I can think about people that this has happened with, with careers, with relationships with all sorts of things.

[16:56] Understanding Failure Is Subjective

So when we feel like we fallen flat on our face, what do we do with that, and bringing it back to our first talking point is that again, understanding that failure is subjective. Failure is really in the eye of the beholder. And usually the eye of the beholder is us, we are the one who had an attachment to the outcome in the first place. And usually based on that attachment, we set up a plan, maybe we tell people, This is what I'm going to do. And we you know, create this vision of this is how I want it to look. And when we feel like we haven't succeeded at that.

And we failed to meet our expectation of self, oftentimes, is when we feel like we failed. And we go through the very human feelings of grief and loss and disappointment and all that good stuff that can feel pretty icky when we're in the middle of it. And I think that this idea that failure is subjective is probably one of the most important things to remember if we are struggling to make sense of something that we really went all in. And it just did not pan out the way that we wanted it to.

Who says that was a failure? No, yes. It did not meet the expectations and whatever beliefs we might have had around it. You can't argue with that. Because those are our own experiences. And if somebody says, Well, my experiences, I feel like I failed. You can't argue somebody out of your experience, we have the right to feel those things. There's actually some very important growth lessons to be found in those things. But looking at it from a bigger perspective, a higher perspective, from the perspective of the heart. We might look at it and say, well, the only thing that was a failure here was a failure to meet your expectations of how you thought it was going to look.

But how what how did you grow? When you did this thing? What did you learn when you did this thing? What new experiences did you collect? What new aspects of yourself Did you meet? or new aspects of Spirit did you meet? Did your faith grow? Did your belief system get challenged? Sometimes we are harvesting ingredients that we don't even realize we're going to be using at a future date.

Something else about nature. Terence McKenna says nature loves courage. I also think that nature is the great outcome. iser, she is so good at composting Mother Earth does not let things go to waste. Be will take whatever's happened. Whatever wreckage there is whatever changes there's been in the environment, whatever it is, and figure out how to upcycle it, how to recycle it, how to compost it, how to grow a field of wildflowers, where maybe desolation lay how to grow new life. Nature doesn't let anything go to waste. And so No experience that we have goes to waste.

So when we are talking about the idea of a leap of faith and this idea that it fell flat and dealing with failure, and this idea, again, that failure is subjective, there's a piece here of remembering not to interpret a story before the story is finished writing itself. And guess what, as long as we are here on this human journey, our story is so writing itself. And I can't speak from the experiential knowledge of being on the other side, I can speak from my understanding of the other side and my understanding of spirit. And say that my sense of that is that the story keeps going, it's just takes on a new form, from spirits point of view when we cross over and returned to the spirit world when we cross the veil. So the story is ongoing.

So we have this very limited thinking, where oftentimes we feel like because it didn't work out the way that we wanted it to, that somehow, like, we fail, it's done, we need to quit. And when you look at it from this perspective, that we are writing our story of self, our story of soul, our story of being part of the greater collective of humanity, for the entirety of our existence in this form, that gives you maybe a little bit of a better sense of a long vision. Don't interpret the ending too soon. And say, because it didn't work out in this forum, that this is somehow a failure. It's not a failure, we need to be able to bring in a higher perspective. And to bring a more longer personal, like a longer view, a longer perspective into our interpretation when we are struggling. It's interesting, this is guidance that actually really speaks to something that I've talked about a little bit on the podcast, and dealt with quite a bit and have kind of come through it now.

[22:08] Dealing With Failed Plans & The Fallout of Covid

But I have mentioned before that prior to COVID, I really had put together a business plan for launching my speaking career. And putting together these event weekends where I traveled to kind of select locations. And I'm speaking to women's circles, did some book signings, I really found a fun and creative way to try and carry that branch of my business forward. And it felt really authentic. I had had a really successful weekend in Anchorage, Alaska doing sort of origin in this vision and being given a taste of this is what it could look like.

And I had this moment of I've cracked the code. It's an interesting question to think about how does one move to a space of being a speaker becoming some form of a authority on something where somebody might pay money to come listen to you speak? How do you take a book that you've written and keep that moving so that people want to keep reading it so that they hear about it like there's such an oversaturation of people who have something to say anymore? I don't mean there's not value in much of it there is, but there is such an overabundance. How do you if you feel called to create that as part of your career path, actually move from the dream to creating the reality of that? And how do you go about carving out that path.

And I'd really struggled with that when I first got over to kawaii and I felt like I cracked this code, or at the very least created a great foundation for how I thought I could go about doing this thing that had been so elusive. And that was February of 2020, March of 2020. And right around the middle of March is within quarantine head and that was just gone, it was gone. And I really found in a post COVID world that what I was trying to do for a while was just impossible to do.

I mean, it was impossible. There was no booking of speaking engagements happening. There was not a lot of travel happening, it was just impossible, then the amount of obstacles were crazy ridiculous. And so I tried to do some adaptation. And then what I found is like everybody had zoom fatigue, because every other person had the similar idea of well, I'm just going to take it all on Zoom, and do all the Zoom stuff. And you know, take it all online, everybody was online and people were so online out and I really struggled.

So at the end of that I had made this decision that this is not working at all in the way that I wanted it to and it's not going to be sustainable for me. monetarily. It's not sustainable career wise. I think most importantly is it wasn't sustainable for feeling sad. sense of peace and joy in my heart, I really was feeling like I was struggling. And I felt like I had this beautiful idea of what I wanted to make happen for myself business wise. And it's more than just a business.

For me, it felt like I'm following a calling in my heart. And these were the ways that I knew to follow it at that time. And instead of feeling this sense of joy and freedom, that oh my gosh, I have the privilege to try and build this thing. I felt fatigued, I felt burned out, I was really struggling psychologically, and self esteem wise, trying to, I felt like I was like hustling for a crumb at the table, a crumb of people's attention in a completely saturated online space and space where lots of people were trying to be some sort of voice of authority, of voice of wellness of coaching of spiritual guidance of something, oh, it was such a bad feeling. Such a bad feeling lots I could say about that time. But I think it kind of sums up that I was not in a good place with it. And so I ended up making this decision to really reground my tele psychology practice, which I'd only been doing like a little bit of I always kept a foot in that field, but I hadn't like really fully opened up to seeing clients more full time.

And as I was moving into RE grounding, a practice reopening up, I felt like such a failure. It did, I really, really struggled with feeling like I had failed on what I came to kawaii to do. I felt like I had failed myself, that I had promised myself that I was going to create a new way of being for myself. And I felt like I was retreating back into this old way of being. There's nothing wrong with it. I had just done it before. There was lots of other things there too. But it was a really psychologically painful time for me.

And if you're listening to this, you might be able to hear that a lot of those feelings, they were coming from me, there wasn't anybody standing outside of myself that said, Oh, you're really expanding your telehealth practice, wow, you've really have failed. I mean, there wasn't anybody saying anything like that. I actually, it's been well received, and people in my life were super supportive. It was so different than what I thought it would be. But I'm focusing on where I was mentally and emotionally at that time, and how it felt for me. And really working with this idea of failure being subjective, and what is failure? And I even had my angels come through at one point and say like, You've done nothing wrong. You have been collecting all these different experiences these last few years.

And can you see that you experience all these different things that you never would have experience? Had you stayed in Alaska and that old version of private practice and kind of the old version of you? Can you see like how much you've grown and how much you've learned? How much you've spiritually developed? Can you find value in that? And I was kinda like, yes, but that was where I was at for a long time, I grudgingly had to give them credit that they made a good point.

I'm pretty sure that they're probably laughing at me up in the ethers, as I'm saying this, you know, I was like, okay, angels, you have a point. But for myself, the power of that self talk, that power of those those expectations, that voice that perfectionism, that very limited mindset, that this is not how it was supposed to look, I just could not get over myself, it really took a lot of grappling. It took a lot of anger. It took some grieving, it took some time, I'm going to talk a little bit more about like, what do we do when we're trying to kind of figure things out and feel like we failed, and we're trying to like get over ourselves.

So we'll get into that a little bit more towards the end of this. But I was struggling. And I really had to work with this idea of realizing that the only sense of failure was my own and that that was a very limited way of thinking and how can I harvest all these experiences? That was a little bit over know about two years ago now that I was going through like the I would I call like the thick of it, the heart of that. And I'm laughing a little bit at myself because I have moved through that and it almost seems silly saying it out loud. But it was very real at the time.

[29:44] Learning To Discern The Desires of The Heart From the Mind

And that brings me to my next point. And that is I think when we are evaluating did my leap of faith workout or not? That part of the growth here is learning to discern the true desires of the heart This is a big one. Because oftentimes, if we go all in with something that could be business, that could be love, it could be a relationship where we really fell in love with somebody, and decided to stay with them and be like, I believe in this, I believe in us, you know, I believe this will still work out. It could be many things. Oftentimes, we will go all in in our heart, we will put the best of our heart into something.

And when it doesn't happen, it really sends us into a tailspin of did I get it wrong? Can I even trust what's in my heart, to spirit get it wrong, did like what happened. And I think that part of spiritual maturity is learning to discern between the pure desire of our heart, like the truth of a desire or a dream, and a hope and our heart, from our attachment and mental image to what that would look like.

So for example, I just gave one of what if you put your whole heart into something and believed in a relationship, I did this once. I've actually done this more than once. But I'm thinking of a specific example, back when I was in between marriages, and I was in my dating years, and what I call my growing up years in my 30s, where I was having all these crash courses and men and matters of the heart and being an empath and boundaries, and there was a lot of growth that happened during that time. And I really kind of went for this relationship, that wasn't the right relationship for me.

But I really believed in what was in that relationship. And I, you know, really believed that there was hope, and that if this other person could just open up to that, and also go all in something beautiful can be created. I think this is probably something that many people might relate to, if you've been in this position before, where you just feel like there's so much hope here, there could be so much goodness, and it ended very poorly, it ended with me getting really hurt. And one of the things that I eventually ended up realizing from that relationship was that this bigness of my heart, and this ability to attach and to love, and to believe in the power of love, that was the truth in the situation. I just had an attachment to this particular person. And this attachment to this is how this is meant to be expressed.

And that really wasn't what was meant to happen. That wasn't what was destined for me. That wasn't what my angels had in mind. For me, that's not what my heart had in mind. That's not what my soul plan had in mind. But I had such a fixation based on my feelings, what I thought was going to happen, and all of those things are really valid. They are, but oftentimes, because we attach to something, whether it is romantically, whether it's because we get it in our mind that it's this particular person, or this particular path or this particular place.

Sometimes even if we're following our guidance into it, we have an image of what it's supposed to look like. And oftentimes when that image doesn't work out, we take it out on our heart, like somehow our hearts not trustworthy, or it hurts so bad, we close our heart off and say that hurt too badly. I'm never going to like love again, or trust again, or open up again. And I think that part of spiritual growth is realizing that the desires in our heart are very, very real. However, sometimes we put a image or a shape around those desires, and attach it to a particular person or outcome or something like that. And when that fails, and it fails to meet our expectations, we feel so crushed and broken, we feel like we can't trust our hearts.

And I think part of growth is really realizing that No, our heart will never lead us wrong, that there's always a core essence of why we took a leap. Why we believed in something, why some aspect of our heart said there is a bigger reality here for you. Our love is possible for you. Abundance is possible for you. If you leave this relationship, new life is waiting on the other side. If you let go have this something beautiful will come. That truth is still true. Just because it didn't happen the way we expected it to doesn't mean that it's not true.

[34:42] Choosing Faith Over Fear And Self-Blame

And I actually asked the Akashic like, what's your guidance, like give us like your little soundbite? How do we navigate? what's your takeaway for navigating a leap of faith that feels like it fails? And they actually said Don't Give Up Put your faith in the universe, just because it didn't meet your expectations. Don't give up your faith in the universe, just because it didn't meet your expectations. Don't give up on your faith and your heart or the desires in your heart, just because it didn't meet your expectations, expectations are not. For the most part, they're not heart based. The heart has the dream. It gives us the fire to ignite the dream to take the action step.

But the heart knows how to surrender, and trust life to meet us there and create from that space, expectations come from the mind. And when we are talking about what is more intelligent, our heart or our mind, our heart is more intelligent. And our heart is the aspect of ourselves that not only holds our light and our spiritual connection, it holds the eternal wisdom that our dreams and desires can take many forms.

So if they do not work out in this form that our mind attached an expectation to, it does not mean that we give up on our hearts that we give up on our faith that we give up on the universe, or that we give up on ourselves. It just might mean that we have some work to do on asking ourselves, How did we get so stuck? And thinking we had to create it some way of asking ourselves, why did I think this was the only avenue available to me, of maybe looking at what still holds true in this vision and what doesn't hold true? That relationship that I was talking about?

One of the most profound things that came from that is, a few months after the relationship, I still have a lot of love for this individual. And then I got wind of a rumor that they seem to have moved on. And I remember really feeling all this pain. And I thought like, oh my gosh, I'm so grieving this like I was like, sad, ugly, like breakup crying, I was writing bad love poetry, I'd gone into a little bit of a depression, there were some other things that contributed to that.

But this was certainly the catalyst for it. I was really going through a dark night of the soul that summer is the summer of 2013. I remember it very well. And
what I remember thinking was like how can somebody move on so quickly? How can they say words of love and not mean them and be willing to give some aspect of themselves to somebody new so soon, was not ever true was all of it a lie? Was any of it real? I was going through this like big questioning evaluation process.

And I had this moment just changed everything for me. And instead of seeing the fact that I still held these loving feelings towards this person, now I might just look back and say that it was this attachment towards this idea of this person. But at the time, it felt like love. And instead of seeing myself as sort of this like sad, pathetic, miserable, like beaten down person who like got rejected, and I just couldn't get over them and everything else is moving on.

And you can hear the story, right? There's a story that we tell ourselves often in a breakup, especially if we're the one that is still kind of grasping and hurting. And we feel like we left her heart on the floor and like they look like they're doing fine. Oh, I had that story in spades. And I have this moment I thought, my God, I'm a badass and love. Like, I still hold love for this person. And they're like, they've not acted particularly well. And I am working on letting go. I am working on healing my heart, I was able to recognize pretty soon around that point in time that you have to let go of this idea of this person in thing entirely like this is not for you. I was moving in that direction. But I wasn't quite there yet.

[39:19] Respecting The Power of My Heart's Ability To Love

And I thought I am incredible. I have so much love and my heart that I am not able to let go quickly or immediately. I do not have a shallow heart. I don't have a physical heart. I don't have a heart that's just loyal or doesn't mean the things that I said I have an amazing heart. I have a quantum heart. I have a heart that defies the odds and that will continue to love even past something's expiration date. And somehow I flipped it in that moment. And I saw it as the strength instead of a deficit.

I saw it as a superpower. You know there's I see this on social media a lot now like love is my superpower. I don't know if I'd seen that. But before then, and I had this moment of feeling like this is like a superpower. This is like my magical power, my hearts ability to feel this deeply. And instead of feeling ashamed that I like stood up straight and wrap that around me like this cloak of magic, and I was like, I am a badass love Ninja. And I am awesome. And I really saw that though my heart had attached itself at that point in time to somebody else, that what it felt and held was all from me. It wasn't there because somebody had come into my life and made me feel those things. It was this like deep Wellspring inside of me that it was just like bubbling up from like, I am somebody who loves I have so much love inside of me.

Of course, I was looking to connect, and find ways to express and share that love. And I really started at that point in time, feeling like I was just like falling in love with the world around me, and walking around, and just being a channel for love. And I had felt that a little bit before, I'd had shades and tones of it.

But this time, it just like went into me in this really powerful way. So my heart was spot on my attachment to where I was aiming, what I was feeling in my heart was not spot on. But everything in my heart was spot on. And the minute that I started to really work with that was when I really started to be able to start working on letting go and giving myself permission to move on. And so many beautiful, amazing things come came from that time. And within like four months time I met my husband, and so much came from that time.

So oftentimes do not throw like your heart out. Just because you are disillusioned with what happened when you took a leap of faith. So often, you did everything right. You believed rightly, you might have just had a sense that it was going to look a certain way. And it didn't. But it doesn't mean that we should give up on ourselves or give up on our faith.

[42:16] Even The Wisest Cannot See All Ends

And that brings me to my next point. And I wrote down this quote from it's from the Lord of the Rings, where Gandalf says to Frodo, he says, oh, Frodo, even the wises cannot see all ends. And I really feel like that is something that is so helpful to us, as on the spiritual path is realizing that no matter how dialed we are into our spiritual connection, no matter how much we felt, like we were following our hearts guidance, we followed the angel signs, we talk to a trusted, intuitive, and they got good energy around what we were going to do. We did everything right, that even the wisest cannot see all and nobody can see everything. And I mean that whether that's in human form with somebody who is a very wise spiritual channel, or even our angels, and our guides, they can see much more than we can.

But you know, I want to ask, and they said, well, the only one who can see all ends is really like, you know, Source Creator, this divine nexus of higher power, however, we want to think about that, and that we can see much more than you can and we can see so many more timelines and outcomes and possibilities and based on all of that, we will guide you the best that we know how and most times it's going to be right because they are able to see beyond our own limited perspective. But you know, even with that, nobody can see all and so sometimes we are following the guidance we did listen the best we know how back in the spring.

One of the messages for Akashic magic that's the monthly channeling I do from the Akashic records for the collective said like Don't blame yourself if you feel like you got it wrong and your life has taken twists and turns the last few years blame spirit if you want to. You know you can blame circumstances you can certainly blame timing but don't blame yourself and think why did I get it wrong? Because so many of you are following your heart the best you know how you are following the signs you are trusting you are rocking your heart magic, and it is okay to know that even to like the wisest, sometimes you just can't see everything and life happens and crap happens and there's reasons for that. Sometimes the timing just isn't there.

Sometimes, there is a piece where another party might be involved, or different parties or groups or organizations might be involved in whatever it is and they exercise their free will to make a difference. choice. And it takes things in an entirely different timeline or entirely different trajectory. Sometimes maybe you followed your heart into relationship, and you thought, oh, this could be so beautiful, and the other person, they're just not there, maybe it would have been, maybe you followed all of that correctly. And Whatever their reasons are, they kind of close off, and they do not want to take that leap. They don't believe that, that if they leap off the Abyss into love that a feather pad will catch them, they are afraid, there are so many reasons that something doesn't work out.

So even the very wisest can't see everything. And we have to figure out how to get over ourselves. When we feel like we did everything right or fall at the best, we know how, and it just didn't happen. There are times that we take a magnificent leap of faith, and it might not fall flat according to spirit. But from our perspective, it does. And we have to find a way to forgive ourselves, we have to find a way to laugh. And to be like, well, no matter how much I tried to plan, I'm still human. And there are a lot of variables in this world I'm living in and things change all the time, we are promised that the only thing constant is change, at least on this planet.

And so when we try and predict an outcome, on a, in a space where everything's constantly changing, we do our best, and then we let go and trust. And we have to know that if it doesn't work out the way that we thought it would, it doesn't necessarily mean, again that we failed, oftentimes, it means that it's not meant to come forth and that form are the conditions we were once working under to create the thing no longer exist.

And we are being invited to creative adaptation and reinvention. It can mean lots of things. But the idea here is to move a way from a space of self blame, because self blame can quickly become a self shame. And it can become a wound that we have that we start to get a chip on our shoulder a deep wound about something as opposed to being able to sit with the hard part about it, and then let it go so that we can open up to this creative adaptation.

The sooner we get out of our own way, the sooner the universe can meet us there in our guides can meet us there and circumstances can meet us there and say, well, that did not look the way that you were expecting it. But the pattern is still moving around you energy is still moving around you unlimited potential is still moving around you. Let's open up to creating it in a different way, or changing how it's going to look. You'd let go of one love because it doesn't work out. And maybe it wasn't the love that you hoped for. It does not mean love won't come around in some shape or form.

And when I say that I that means it could be love with another person that could be love of an idea, a business idea, something that you hope for for your life, something that you were wanting to create something in a relationship with a child something in a relationship with somebody else. There's so many ways that that applies. So remember, even the very wisest cannot see all ends and we are not God for you're just here in our human form. embodying the wisdom that we have been given, trying to do the best that we know to do.

[48:30] Coping With Disappointment & Grief

We are here to make mistakes. We are here to learn we are here to grow. That is where so much beautiful alchemy is found. And that brings me to what I want to focus on today before we wrap up, and that is like how do we cope with this then like what do we do? We took some big brave risk, and it didn't work out. We are disillusioned. We are suffering. We have mental anguish or emotional anguish. We feel like we mess things up. Maybe it affected other people around us because they leapt with us.

And we felt like we've let people down like what do we do with that? We do need room to grieve when I said self blame will lead to self shame when you stay in it too long. I didn't say don't stay in there at all. Part of grief is feeling angry and that can be angry at ourselves.

Part of grief is bargaining. And coming to this place of like what did I do wrong? What if I did this? What if I did this? That's what bargaining looks like bargaining is Was there some other way that this did not have to be the outcome? We can really get stuck and bargaining and what ifs and replaying something in our head. Part of grief can be feeling depressed about it. It can be feeling bitter, it can be feeling sad. There is not a timeline on grief or a timeline for how long we are allowed to feel grief when something didn't work out in our life. I do think that there is a time where when we have kind of held on to our grief, and there is not a lot new for us there.

And now the grief is kind of starting to get rigid, and gel and become a fixed part of who we are as opposed to something fluid that we've worked through, and move through and acknowledge and learn from, and then learn to start to let it go. Instead, we welcome it in and we sort of set up camp there, and we don't want to move from it, because we just can't get over this is what happened. And this is how it looks. When that happens. I do think that's where we began to move into a more destructive place inside of ourselves, as opposed to constructively working with those emotions. Which brings me to my next thing, like what do we do with that grief, we have to find the path of growth through the pain. In order to find the path of growth through the pain, when we suffer disillusionment, we do have to feel at first.

And we have to not be afraid of those feelings and know that they might be messy and kind of ugly for a while. Like I said, there's not a timeline on this. So I'm not going to say like, you've got like six days to like up to a month to feel the ugly feelings, and then it's too long. It doesn't really work like that. Sometimes we don't even know an ugly feeling is there until months have gone by, and then something sparks it. And we're like, oh my gosh, I didn't even realize this was here. You know what I was talking about earlier, when I really struggled. When I went back into more of a full time tele psychology practice it, I'd say it was about a year of things that would kind of come and go. And the first few months were the biggest things. But there was some stuff that came up even in the winter of 2023, that I was like, I had no idea this was here. And it was like this residual like woundedness from that part of myself that felt like I'd still somehow failed.

And I couldn't access it any sooner than it showed up in my consciousness. So sometimes it just takes time for us to access everything we need to really heal something, the best we can do is when it comes into the light, is to work with it constructively and to work on releasing it so we can heal it. So it's not like there's a timeline on this. But what I can say is that if you feel yourself getting stuck in a space of bitterness, a place of resentment, a space where a lot of jealousy or envy is coming through for other people kind of what will How come they get this and I didn't a lot of comparison, like a lot of the things we're instead of focusing on empowering our journey, our light, our growth, we are falling into spaces of self pity, negative self talk, resentment, fear, judgment, those are usually good indicators and flags that we're getting kind of stuck with something.

And we want to find constructive ways to work with it. So we don't start to internalize that experience, and just allow it to become part of our setpoint. So we're walking around with a chip on her shoulder. And we're not challenging that. It's okay to have those things. They come up from time to time. And we can treat them with curiosity and say, Oh, hey there, what's up? You know, you popped up? What do you want me to know? And what can I do with you? And how can I grow and learn from you. But when we feel like we're not growing from it, and we feel like we felt it and acknowledged it and it's still not shifting, that can be a really good guideline that we might want to do some work around it.

[53:39] Finding Growth Through Pain

And it's not like there's one way to find growth, through pain in order to transcend the pain and become bigger. But I do think that the key word is growth, that if we feel like instead of growing, we're starting to stagnate that we are just connecting from our heart from our light. And we see that going on over a prolonged period of time, where we don't just feel like it's a tough season. But now it's a month of it. Two months of it three months of it six months of it happened two years ago and we still can't get over it. I gently would say those are nice cues for us to say do I really want to stay stuck in this place?

And might there be a way to work with this and help me to release it helped me to find growth helped me to kind of catch up where life is out now and accept that I'm not here on my terms. I'm here on life's terms. I'm here on spirits terms. I'm here on my soul's terms, and I am living in an uncontrollable environment called Creation and I'm doing my best to work and dance with spirit and nature and my inner self and the dreams and desires in my heart to create a beautiful life. And sometimes shit happens in This place, and maybe it's okay to let go that it had to look a certain way, and try and find the light and the growth and the love and what is and choose to walk on the light side of life for a little while, instead of always falling in the darkness and getting stuck there. Remember, we might be in an uncontrolled wild environment of creation and chaos and order is coming from that. But it is also one of unlimited possibilities.

So there is always room for adaptation, there is always room for the universe to help us grow new life, there is always room for wildflowers to grow up out of something that we thought was devastation or wreckage in our life, we just don't always know how it's going to look. But we can stay open to the possibility that if we stay in our hearts, and continue to seek the growth, and to seek to move more deeply into love, as opposed to closing ourselves off and staying in a space of fear because it didn't work out.

But we reopen up and say I'm gonna choose to trust anyways, that's the biggest leap of faith I know to take is that no matter how many times I feel like this world tells me now or my heart gets beat up. I can trust that if I stay with my pain, and acknowledge it that at some point, I will open back up and I will leap all over again into this wild alchemy of life and say, I want to dance with spirit. I want the unlimited potential. I want the growth, I want the quantum leaps. I want to raise my frequency and to know spirit and to be my most authentic self. We can always take that leap, no matter what is happening on the surface in our life. And we can always bring it back to that point and come back to the heart of the matter which is really just getting into our hearts and remembering that if we listen to the wisdom of our hearts, they will tell us you do not have to be afraid to leap.

But we might have to be willing to let go of the outcome and how it's going to look and surrender and then surrender again.

[57:18] Coming Up Next Week

This feels like a beautiful pausing place In today's dialogue, because we will be picking up with our archetypes of the Tarot series next week and we're going to be talking about the High Priestess. And what we're talking about in today's podcast is very much the wisdom of the High Priestess. The High Priestess archetype is all about knowing how to work with darkness and work with these rites of passages and initiations of challenge in our life in order to overcome and grow and grow our spiritual connection and our heart connection and our sense of alchemy through that. The High Priestess archetype is amazing. She's very mysterious. She's very fascinating. I can't wait to dive into her. So we will be picking up some overtones from today's dialogue in next week's podcast, and that will be coming out in about a week's time.

 So I look forward to diving into the high priestess with you. And I appreciate you joining me this week. Until next time, be well be love, be you and be magic.