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[0:13] Building confidence through mindset shifts and self-compassion.
 
Aloha and welcome to Your Heart magic, an illuminating space where psychology, spirituality and heart wisdom. Meet. Here's your host, Dr bethanne kapansky Wright, the clinical psychologist with a mystic mind.

Aloha, everybody. This is Dr bethanne kapansky Wright, welcome to your heart magic. Today we have a mental health toolbox episode, and our topic is inspiring confidence, and we are going to look at a few mindset shifts and a few ideas for how we can feel more confident, how we can inspire a greater sense of not only believing in ourselves, but feeling more confident in who we are and finding that confidence needed to take an action step.

It is Leo season as this episode is coming out, so since Leo is all about shining our light and stepping into the spotlight and finding the ways that we are these gorgeous individual suns where we are able to radiate with whatever gifts and talents we have to bring to the world. I thought this episode would be timely and encouraging and positive.

So before we talk about confidence and how to step into confidence more. I think that it's important to acknowledge what keeps us in a space of not having confidence. And I could probably do a whole episode on saboteurs of self confidence, but I made a little list and just jotted down a few notes before I hopped on here, and the first one that came to mind is negative self talk.

And that sounds really basic, and it is. It is also absolutely game changing when we began to pay more attention to the stories we tell ourselves, the thoughts we tell ourselves, when we really began to tune in and notice are we being an encourager to ourself. Are we being a cheerleader in fostering goodwill inside of ourselves, or are we telling ourselves things that undermine us and make us feel like we are inferior or not worthy? And for many people, this is an area that there's a lot of struggle, and that comes for so many reasons.

There might have been a family of origin issue a parent figures, authority figures, sibling figures, something that happened growing up where an individual was maybe inundated with messages that told them that they weren't good enough. Some people have been in situations where they have had people say very critical, judgmental, awful things to them, and when we hear those messages at a young age, we often internalize them, and they become part of our vernacular.

They become part of our vocabulary of self. And when they're not checked and not challenged, we take them for truth, and we don't have to do that, but that is one of the things that people can spend a lot of time in therapy or reading self help books or mindfully working on to try and foster Kinder self messages

And to find a way to be more compassionate and encouraging with themselves. I often think, too that something that gets in the way of feeling more confident is that many of us don't want to come across as arrogant or narcissistic or like we think we're better than anybody, and most of us would probably agree that it's not a good thing to think that we're walking around and feeling better than other people, or feeling really prideful.

And there's a lot of messages and stories from religion to the family to various mythologies where Pride goes before the fall, and it's not a virtue to be boastful and to have that sense of arrogance.
 
[4:28] Building confidence and overcoming self-doubt.

And thankfully, confidence and arrogance and being prideful are not necessarily the same thing. They're not at all the same thing. We can learn to believe in ourselves, and it doesn't have to come at the expense of putting somebody else down. That is perhaps the biggest difference.

Arrogance is this inflated, grandiose self belief where the individual not only somehow thinks they're better than but it is at the expense of others. You hear the better, then there's that comparison piece, and it's this elevation of self, and it is done by seeing others as lesser or seeing something else as lesser.

And confidence can simply be a matter of believing in our ability and what we're bringing to the table, and it is enough just to recognize that everybody is doing life at their own pace, their own rhythm, their own skill set. We are all developing our talents so we don't have to feel ashamed if for some reason, we happen to excel at something and other people don't.

We don't have to do the comparison thing. We can learn to be a cheerleader of goodwill for humanity and recognize that we are not in a race. There is room enough for everybody and room enough for the good gifts of the universe to go around, and we can put our best effort in without having to see ourselves as better than we can just say, I'm racing myself and I want to be better and I want to shine.

A couple other things that came to mind with things that undermine confidence, is the fear of failure. What if we say, I want to shine, but then that's immediately followed with what if I fail at it, or what if I put myself out there and I fall flat on my face, or what if I'm not as shiny as I think I am.

And so I think I've got this great gift, and I really want to share it with people, and what if it gets criticized or it's not well received? And I think those kinds of doubts and fears are weeds in the garden of confidence. They often stop us from even getting out the door and moving out of our comfort zone and being willing to try something new, because we are so afraid of what would we do if we failed?
 
[6:58] Dealing with the fear of failure: a mindset shift.

The simple thing that I would say to that today is we might flip our mindset on that and say, Well, I'm failing myself if I don't even try. I can't control how this is going to be received. I can do the work and make sure that if I'm going to put something out there, if I feel like I need some instruction, or if it's a product or something that you could get some feedback on, or something to make it stronger, like I'm open to doing those things.

But I think the bigger picture is, is that the real failure is just letting ourselves down and not finding the courage that we need to shine a little bit brighter to become a bigger expression of self. And so sometimes, when I have been trying to take a big leap on my journey or find what I need to do something, I will think—

Well, would you rather put this out there and have it not do as well and have to deal with learning resilience and learning to get better and get stronger at it, or would you rather not do it at all and you stay safe, but you're also letting yourself down, and I don't like being in that position of feeling like I let myself down, so that oftentimes has been what it takes for me to find that push to be like alright, well, I'm going to do this, and I'm going to put my best in to hope for a great outcome. I can't control what's going to happen, but what I can control is my willingness to try.

And I can work on rooting out any self doubt and working with any negative messages inside of me that want to dissuade me from doing that. So when we think about inspiring more confidence in us and trying to find more creative courage and more fire to move into whatever it is that we want to do, shine brighter, use our voice more, share something that is a creative process, and we want to move it from something we're maybe doing as a hobby, and look at doing something bigger with it, something that I find as a very helpful mindset shift, is just asking myself the question, why not you?

Why is it that we think other people are better equipped to to do the things that intrigue us and engage our hearts. There are so many of us that when we think about doing whatever it is, that when I talk about being more confident if something comes to mind and you resonate with a particular step that you want to take, or just showing up in a more authentic way.

When we think about those things, so often, we look at somebody who we feel is already doing it better, or we feel like maybe they've already done it, or we feel like we have to do it like them, and we start to talk ourselves out of it, and we start to argue for. For limiting ourselves and for staying small and staying in our comfort zone.

And it's really easy to say, Well, why me? Who am I to do these things? And I just love flipping that question and asking, why not you? Why is an amazing life? Why is big goals or chasing big dreams or doing something really cool. Why is that for somebody else and not for you? And I've always felt that if something is in our hearts and we feel inspired by it, it excites us, it lights us up, then it's meant for us to do.
 
[10:38] Self-worth, creativity, and the idea that one doesn't have to be the best to enjoy and excel in a particular activity.
 
We don't have to be the best of the best of the best at it. There's that comparison stuff, and it's so toxic, because sometimes we will look to somebody that we consider the best and say, Oh my gosh. Well, I could never aspire to that. So why would I even do this?

Something that is coming to mind is the amount of times that I have gone to something like a First Friday event, an art walk. And there are artists of all levels that are often at these things, or at craft fairs or something like that. And times that I have stopped by somebody's booth or looked at something that they're offering, and it's really cool.

 They have their own technique. They have their own vibe going, whatever they've come up with. It's really authentic, and it's unique to them. And you might talk to the artist or talk to the person, and maybe say something like, oh, my gosh, you're a beautiful artist.

 And then they might really humbly say, Oh, why, I don't really consider myself an artist, not like and, you know, will name somebody who is considered to truly be an artist, and I'm not quite sure what defines that, perhaps somebody who has some form of fame around it, or maybe they're a living making a living wage doing it.

But whatever it is, they feel like they don't meet that criteria. So they very modestly say, you know, I just kind of dabble, or I just kind of doodle, and I appreciate that, I appreciate that we might not want to label ourselves. Or sometimes we have a need to not use a certain label on ourselves, because maybe it has a whole bunch of messages attached to it for us.

But at the same time, it's like, why aren't you an artist? You're here, right? You created this really cool thing, and maybe it doesn't matter that it's not some fancy technique that you needed to go to years and years of art school.

Maybe you just doodled for fun while you were waiting at soccer practice or something like that, to pick up your kid, and you were sitting in the car, and you found this cool hobby, and somewhere along the way, people said, Oh, I love your sketches. I totally hang that somewhere. And you decided to make it into postcards or something like that, and that's what you're selling. That's amazing.

Why not you? Why not you to do those things, or to say, Yes, I am an artist. And my own way, I am a creator. I am a creative. Why do we think that somebody else is better at it, and the people who are better at it? I just did air quotes, because whatever that means, but somebody who's highly skilled, absolutely, there are some people that have a natural talent for something, and we may or may not be able to achieve that.

A really good example today is I was just having a conversation with running about somebody, and I really enjoy running. And no matter how much I train or try, there's a certain threshold of speed that I won't break. It's not my gifts and talents.

I have a spectrum of kind of a range of speed that I can go, and there is a limit to that based on my body composition and age and my oxygen level and all sorts of things like that. And I'm okay with that. I don't have to be the best at it to say I'm a runner, and I love running, and it's something that's been a part of my life for a long time. So we can be inspired by somebody who's amazing.

And there are some people that are just naturally gifted at something, but a lot of people get to where they're at with really hard work. And I might not ever be the fastest runner, but if I really wanted to, and I wanted to train and coach and do all that, I could probably push my threshold and learn to run at a faster level. I don't want to do that. Doesn't even sound fun to me.

I'm just happy to be a participant and to show up and to do what I'm doing like I'm more than happy with that. But in theory, if we want to gain a skill, then we can learn to get to a greater level within ourselves. We don't have to be the best. We can just work on being our best if we want to grow that and we can also remember that we don't have to be our best. At something in order to still have confidence doing it. We can feel confident in whatever it is that we aspire to, in whatever we're doing, and say, I love this. It lights me up.

And I believe I'm here to take up space, and I believe in my ability to do the things that light my heart up. And so I don't have to be amazing at this. I don't have to train in this to even gain more skills. I can just be so grateful for where I'm at. And I can enjoy exercising whatever it is, whatever way you're shining. I can enjoy being able to shine in that capacity. And I can be so grateful for whatever it is that I already have that I'm bringing to this endeavor.
 
[15:45] Building confidence through self-reflection, affirmations, and trying new things.

So something else that I think is a helpful tool for inspiring confidence is to do the exercise of writing out all the reasons that you can so if we are working with the idea of why not you write out, why not you?

And then write out all the reasons that you can, write out all the affirmations and empowering thoughts that you have about whatever it is that you need to bring to the table in order to step into a space of confidence, even if growing confidence is something like I just want to feel more confident as an individual when I walk out the front door and when I'm engaging in my life, in the day to day, then write out all the reasons that you have the right to be in your magic and to feel empowered to share your energy and to share your essence.

Because ultimately, the one thing that is a talent that you have that nobody else has, is the ability to be yourself. It is the ability to bring through the essence the qualities, the unique energy, the joy in your heart, the proclivities and peccadilloes and little oddities and fun things that you have about you.

It's your ability to be vulnerable and to figure out your truth and to figure out what you believe about things. It is the light that only you can cultivate inside of you. It's your spiritual connection. It's your heart magic, it's all those things and so yeah, why not you?

Because you are the only one who can bring that into the world in your unique way. There's not a single other person on the planet who can do that work for you, except for you. So if all you want to do is just stand a little taller, walk a little stronger, be a little bit more confident in your energy, then write out all the reasons for doing that.

Write out a little mini essay where you argue in favor of throwing off your limitations and instead argue in favor of your own expansion, or put together quotes that are encouraging and inspiring and that helped you feel more confident. That helped boost that energy inside of you.

Use somebody else's word magic, if you can't find your own and tap into their essence, that helps you foster more confidence and more belief. And the last thing that we can do to inspire more confidence is to think about trying something new and maybe just starting small. If we want to learn to be more confident, then we have to learn to get outside of our comfort zone.
 
[18:30] The power of self-expression and taking risks to surprise oneself.

It's easy to actually be confident, or to grow confidence in things that we are already good at. It's easy to have a sense of efficacy or competency was something that we've done a lot, but it's harder for us to have a more general sense of confidence of I believe in myself, and I believe in my right to try this and to own my light and own my magic and to do something new,

And I believe in my ability to show up and do the best I can with this and so we can grow in expression. We can grow our potential by daring to try something new and giving ourselves permission to be awkward at it and to be messy and to let it be whatever it is, but to also know that every time we surprise ourselves with our ability to try something new, we increase the potential for feeling more confident.

Think how good we feel about ourselves if we set out to do something and it feels uncomfortable, but we do it anyways, and we conquer that fear, and we step forward in a bigger way, and we say, oh my gosh, I ran the race, or I took the art class, or I press send on that email that I'd been wanting to send for a while, and I pitched an idea, or I followed through on promising myself that I would try something new, or take myself. Out to dinner and fly solo. Whatever it is. It could be anything huge, but it could be something really small.

And when we do something like that, I think it helps us see how capable we are, and that we often don't give ourselves enough credit for the amount of strength and creativity and giftedness and talent and light that we truly do bring to the table, we won't know how much we can grow unless we give ourselves space and room and permission to try.

So with that, have an amazing Leo season. I hope some of these ideas inspire you to find more confidence to shine in whatever way you feel called.

I will be back next week with a new your heart magic episode, and we will be tapping into the energy of August and looking at what do the Akashic records say about the month of August, and what are some of the Astro transits that are happening, and what does that mean for us for energetic support and best navigating the monthly energies? So until then, have an amazing week. Be Well, be love. Be you and be magic.

You've been listening to your heart magic with Dr bethanne kapansky Wright, tune in next week for a new episode to support and empower your light.